Presidents Day: Your Opportunity to Buy Carpet

Here's Presidents Day for you, as summed up by the Post-Gazette:

All county, state and federal buildings, post offices and state liquor stores are closed today in observance of Presidents Day. Common Pleas Court and U.S. District Court are closed, but city offices are open. Banks are closed. Mail will be collected, but not delivered, excluding Express Mail. Port Authority buses and the T operate on regular schedules. State Department of Transportation driver license and photo centers are closed.

Which means that most government offices are closed today, except the one you either (a) need or (b) work for.

[The good news is that, as a bureaucrat, the general public either thinks that you're not working if you are or working if you're not. In either case, it's a good opportunity to get some filing done or catch up on your sleep.]

So, here's the deal: There are only four Real American Holidays. The Real American Holidays, first, commemorate a secular event, an act, or actions, second, have some sort of ritual prescribed with them, and, third, aren't just an excuse to sell discount carpet or used cars. Generally, these are the Holidays where everyone is off and if you go looking for someone, you're an idiot.

The Real American Holidays are as follows:
New Year's Day
Memorial Day
Independence Day
Thanksgiving

Let's examine them in depth:

New Years Day:

Event: Changing of the New Year (d'uh);

Ritual: Champagne, Dropping Balls, Dick Clark, Auld Lange Syne... and afterwards nursing that hangover;

Carpet Sales: Minimal - No one wants to buy carpet when hung over... unless you horked on your carpet the night before.

Memorial Day:

Actions: The actions of those brave men and women who fought to keep us Free;

Ritual: Parades, 21 Gun Salutes, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, a trip to the Jersey Shore;

Carpet Sales: Some, but only to support the troops.

Independence Day:

Event: Commemorating the day White, Rich Men gave the finger to other White, Rich Men in Crowns and silly wigs.

Ritual: Parades, 21 Gun Salutes, Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Fireworks, trips to the emergency room when an M-80 goes off in your shoe;

Carpet Sales: Minimal.

Thanksgiving:

Event: Giant Feast;

Ritual: Giant Feast;

Carpet Sales: Does Macy's sell carpet?

OK, there are two that I've omitted, one of which is obvious: Good Friday and Christmas. These aren't secular holidays, just a cop out by the Government, who knows that a large percentage of their work force is going to call in sick anyway. Might as well call those holidays too.

Everything else [Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, and Veterans Day] aren't real holidays. Here's why:

Columbus Day: If Columbus Day is a Holiday, I demand a holiday for St. Brendan, Lief Erikson, Zheng He, and Ian "Sammy" Samwell who discovered the band "America".

Labor Day: Labor Day is celebrated on May 1st, everywhere else in the world, commemorating the Hay Market Square riot in Chicago... except in America. Go fig.

President's Day: Three words: Martin Van Buren.

OK, now it gets a little harder...

Veteran's Day: Well... I'll give you the sentiment proffered by Mr. Kurt Vonnegut:

When I was a boy [...] all the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind.

Armistice Day has become Veterans' Day. Armistice Day was sacred. Veterans' Day is not.

So I will throw Veterans Day over my shoulder. Armistice Day I will keep. I don't want to throw away any sacred things. --Breakfast of Champions

I have have a similar feeling forMartin Luther King Jr. Day: it lacks the solemness that it deserves. It should be a better holiday, but it lacks rituals, food, or flashy fireworks; there's not enough excitement for our easily distracted public consciousness. Too many people have died for the principles which are supposed to be espoused in this holiday for it to seem so empty. It needs better; it deserves better.

Until we recenter our national moral priorities, both Veterans Day and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day are pale reflections of the holidays they should be.

OK, now to less serious matters.

Someone told me once that ancient Rome had a festival nearly every day of the week in order to distract from the massively high unemployment that would have resulted from people working nearly all the time. My feeling is that we need more holidays. So, here are some of my suggestions to help round out the calendar:

Groundhog Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Dirty, dirty rodent escaping from his hole and pretending to tell us what the weather is going to be... but enough about Steve Teeling;

Ritual: Watching Groundhog Day on TBS over, and over, and over...

Groundhog Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Dirty, dirty rodent escaping from his hole and pretending to tell us what the weather is going to be... but enough about Steve Teeling;

Ritual: Watching Groundhog Day on TBS over, and over, and over...

Groundhog Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Dirty, dirty rodent escaping from his hole and pretending to tell us what the weather is going to be... but enough about Steve Teeling;

Ritual: Watching Groundhog Day on TBS over, and over, and over...

[WHACK!] Moving on...

Valentine's Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Love;

Ritual: Gettin' it on... I mean, expressing our love Dear. Hey! Hey, don't make that face at me! Why do you always have to be like this...!

St. Patrick's Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Not sure, but according to the songs I've heard, it involves drinking and killing the English;

Ritual: As there are no English to be found 'round these here parts... I suppose we just have to drink. So sad.

April 15th; Tax Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: The Loss of Our Sweet, Hard Earned Cash;

Ritual: As I understand it, the Constitution allows us to take a whiz on the IRS building. I'm a little shaky on my Constitutional Law, but I say we invoke our freedoms.

Arbor Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Um... treeness?;

Ritual: Planting a Tree. Alternatively planting a Bush in Texas.

Spring Break

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: SHOW US YOUR T!TS!;

Ritual: SHOW US YOUR T!TS!

August Day

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Nothing. August is a long month and we need a break;

Ritual: Nothing. Take a break.

Halloween

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: Um... Satan?;

Ritual: Begging for candy from strangers.

The Day After Thanksgiving

Action/Act/Event Commemorated: That bloated feeling the Pilgrims got after feasting for a week;

Ritual: Lounging on the couch, hoping for someone to bring out another slice of pie.

Well, that's my calendar. Combined with my accrued vacation and comp time, I won't be in the office until 2017. Plenty of time to buy carpet.