Thursday, August 24, 2006

My Very Excellent Mother Just Sent Us Nothing

While this blog seemingly confines itself to local and national politics, we would be amiss if we did not at least tangentially address the swirling extraterrestrial conflict that has recently erupted... and I'm not talking about the pre-emptive invasion of the Cardassian Homeworld by the Klingon Empire in order to supposedly stop the spread of intergalactic terrorism, er, The Dominion.  

No, I'm talking about the elimination of an entire planet from our solar system, Pluto, by the nerds over at the International Astronomical Union.  Well, when I say "elimination" I don't mean as in "as if a million of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and then, suddenly, silence;" surely the IAU is only equipped with the most basic of blaster technology.  My guess is that these guys are unable to defend themselves against the common wedgie, noogie, or swirly given to them by the jocks at the NCAA. 

The elimination came, and I am of mixed feelings about this, from Astro-Bureaucrats who demoted poor Pluto to a "Dwarf Planet", unable to "clear its neighborhood".  This will not look good on Pluto's resume.  

A couple of thoughts: 

(1) Pluto is said to be the ruling planet of Scorpio, and is considered to represent the part of a person that destroys in order to renew.*  So how, exactly, will this elimination affect my horoscope?  Today, my horoscope said " You will face challenges and you'll be inclined to overreact a little. Stay calm and take what is said with a pinch of salt, because it will blow over just as quickly. "  Where does that leave me now?  Should I continue to remain calm or should I spaz out?  Will this still blow over or will it linger?   Shouldn't I just go back to bed, shivering like a little girl, unable to face the terror that awaits me in the world?  SOMEBODY!  I NEED DIRECTION FROM THE ARBITRARY POSITION AND ORBIT OF THE PLANETS!!!  Or perhaps a valium. 
(2) With Pluto out, how does this effect Goofy?  Does this mean Goofy is no longer able to speak and has to live in the dog house?  They can't be Sirius! 
(3) This is obviously the best proof for the fallacy of so-called "science".  How can we believe scientists when one day they tell us that there are 9 planets, and the next day there are 8?  Before you know it, they'll be telling us that the universe was created by the attraction of two extra-dimensional branes, causing ruptures in the fabric of space/time.  Total lunacy! 
And if scientists can do something simple like "count", how can we trust them to tell us that humanity was descended from monkey instead of created ex nilho by God? God's always been absolutely sure about this, except for the part where He said that he made us out of clay.  But, in any event, this is truly the final nail in the coffin for "science" and "evolution," and will we will finally be able to purge this tool of the devil from our classrooms!
(4) Thankfully, they didn't eliminate Uranus.
(5) Dang, I thought I could make it through this post without a "Uranus" joke. 
So, remember: when you wish upon a star... it may just be a trans-neptunian dwarf planet.  If it is, please call it "Rupert". 

* The Urban Redevelopment Authority of Pittsburgh is a Scorpio.

No comments: