Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Open Letter to Representative Jeff Habay

Dear Representative Mr. Habay,

I was shocked, as you evidently were, that you were so hastily sent to jail by, what I only assume you would consider, an activist judiciary. It truly is a shame that a convicted former member of the Pennsylvania State House can't get a few more months to attend his son's birthday party, especially considering the hall is already rented. I mean, seriously, what's a few more months between friends?

Anyway, aside from that "incident" eight years ago when I was charge with carnal knowledge of an '85 Yugo, my total experience in jail consists solely of TNT's Shawshank Redemption marathon. However, I do believe that I can provide some valuable helpful big-household hints. Think of me of your personal Martha Stewart, but in jail.

First, you don't look like a very threatening guy, so my guess is that you're going to be hassled by some of your fellow inmates. My advice is that either you're going to have to kill a guy, or you're going to have to become someone's bitch. Now, as you're obviously opposed to two men... you know... a shiv can be made by melting down the end of a toothbrush, and grinding it against concrete. Aim for between the third and fourth ribs. Otherwise, your hands look delicate and your mouth is purdy.

Second, cigarettes are currency in the joint. I suggest you work whatever connections you have left in the GOP, and try to get your boys at Philip-Morris to get you a couple of cartons. Unless, that is, the tobacco industry isn't interested in dealing with nefarious scoundrels or people who engage in criminal activities.

Third, conjungal visit sex is some of the best sex in the world. It's even better with someone else.

Fourth, speaking of Mrs. Habay, she's going to have to learn how to "conceal" certain items, if you know what I mean. I suggest that she learn Yoga.

Fifth, try learning a skill while you're in the clink. My suggestion: law. I don't think that you could do worse by representing yourself.

Anyway, I hope that the delousing went well, and that your cellmate Bubba doesn't read the papers (or this blog). And, if Morgan Freeman is in there with you, I hear he can "get you things."

Best of luck,

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

No comments: