As we are rapidly approaching November 7th and I am horribly behind schedule on my midterm madness coverage, I figured I should get on the ball and start pwning the 1337 'net skillz of those that would run for public office.
There are a lot of campaigns in and around Western PA that I want to focus on, so, in order to save some time, we're going to forgo the traditional one-post-per-candidate and skip right into the steel cage of death match.
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! TWO POLITICIANS ENTER; ONE POLITICIAN LEAVES! SEE IT LIVE!
With that, we'll start at the bottom and work our way up:
CITY OF PITTSBURGH COUNCIL DISTRICT #1
If this race was, in fact, a real steel cage of death match, this should be a battle royal. We got ourselves five, count 'em, FIVE candidates for the seat on City Council left vacant by His Lukey-ness. They are, in no particular order, Darlene Harris (D), Joe Lucas (R), Kevin T. Donahue (I), Steven Oberst (I), and Dave Schuilenburg (I).
Notice the use of the word "should". In reality, I could only find one candidate for office that bothered to put up a website. [C'mon folks! If I can do it, so can you.] So, without further adieu:
Those of you that aren't follow the topsy turvey world of City Council District #1, Dave is the Canadian. Seriously: the dude is a terrorist loving, pot smoking, prescription drug importer... or at least that's what Fox News tells me. Now, I could delve into my bag of Cannuck jokes and pull out a couple of gems about maple syrup, hockey, and Labatts... but that would be distasteful, eh? Besides, there are better things to make fun of on Dave's website.
For example, I'm not quite sure how I feel about the "Ask to Meet Dave" page. It sounds really creepy, and the picture on that page does nothing to assuade my fears. In fact, I have this strange feeling that Dave is standing outside my window watching and waiting for me to go to the bathroom. I mean, why else would there be a "Request a Visit" check box at the bottom.
Sadly, Dave's webpage is lacking both photos and endorsements. He promises that they are "Coming soon," but with about a week to go, I'm not expecting much. Of course, I don't expect much from City Council candidates.
But the winner by default in 1st District is DAVE SCHUILENBURG.
STATE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES: 42ND DISTRICT
IN THIS CORNER: ALL THE WAY FROM MOUNT LEBANON PENNSYLVANIA WEIGHING IN AT 170, DEMOCRAT KICKING POUNDS:
AND IN THIS CORNER: ALL THE WAY FROM MOUNT LEBANON PENNSYLVANIA WEIGHING IN AT 170, REPUBLICAN KICKING POUNDS:
Wait... or is it the other way around? Seriously, I'm not even sure that Matt and Mark aren't the same person. I mean, they both have the same awkward picture on the first page of their website. I really can't tell white creepy looking politicians apart anymore.
Matt (or is it Mark's) website seems a bit less busy though; Mark (or is it Matt) just needs a couple of web polls, a list of links, and the current iTunes track, and me'd have a MySpace page: OMG MATT TOTALLY DISSED ME, WTF! and what not. Mark does seem to have an unhealthy persecution complex, and devotes a whole lot of the site to implying that Matt's supporters vandalized his signs. Personally, it's probably terrorist, or the gay mafia, or brown people.
Which are the real reasons why we need a big, deadly, straight wall along the border with Rossyln Farms.
Matt's photos are a bit more upbeat (although it looks like they were taken with a disposable camera) and involve more than just sign destroying.
So, the winner in the 42nd District is MARK SMITH, no, wait, MATT HARRIS... MATT SMITH.
More coming soon in Part II...
Tag(s): Election 2006, Dave Schuilenburg, Matt Smith, Mark Harris
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