Monday, October 30, 2006

Midterm 2006 Victims (Part 2)

Before we get into the madness that I know you've all been waiting for, I just wanted to share a couple of observations about these webpages I've been perusing.

A couple of things become immediately apparent once you've look at at enough of them. First, candidates with more money have better webpages. So, the high profile candidates for Governor have some really good websites; third party candidates and candidates for lower offices do not. Second, younger candidates are more likely to have and/or have better webpages. This is obviously a generational thing.

Third, and most important of all, I feel: you must choose your colors carefully. There are really only two choices here: Red or Blue. Red means that you connect with the good old salt-of-the-earth time people, and not those damned heathen commies. Blue means that you connect with the working class and hippies. Chances are you'll want a bit of both.

You can choose White too, but only if you've hired the services of one of those cut rate web designers. Purple is OK, but only as a transition from Red to Blue... otherwise it looks a little "Mark Harris" ifyouknowwhatImean. Green means your a dirty, dirty hippy; yellow means that you are, in fact, color blind. Pink means that you've transcended Mark Harris and moved on to Liberace. Orange indicates that your site is under construction. Gray is reserved for economists turned politicians. I'm not sure what Indigo would mean, but if you know what that color is, you might as well just come out and choose Purple or Pink and stop trying to fool yourself. Choosing Black or Brown is race baiting and is viable only in Tennessee.

Anyway, onto

I must say that Eileen starts out with a distinct advantage by looking like the genetic spawn of Sally Field and Heather Locklear, while Frank looks vaguely like Dennis Hastert's younger brother.

To add insult to injury, a young Frank is pictured on the biography page in a suit that was obviously bought at a morgue firesale. If there are any pictures of Eileen in a suit that would cause America's Next Top Model to cry and abuse a designer, we'll never know. Frank's biggest problem seems to be that he has TOO MANY pictures, especially too many pictures of guys in wifebeater t-shirts.

Well... that and I think that if you read Frank's nearly illegible signature backwards in the mirror it says "So Dark the Con of Man." Despite her good looks (and obvious spunk), Eileen hasn't learned how to fit text onto one screen without scrolling. She's also a little text heavy; no one told her that the Internet is not for reading, but for things like the llama song.

I'm going to call this a DRAW. Both Eileen and Frank have to write "The Internet is not a big truck; it is a series of tubes." 1000 times until their webpages improve.


I imagine a conversation at the Walko headquarters going something like this:
Look, Don. People are pissed about the pay raise. We need a picture for the front page of the website of you looking like a statesman and maybe another picture of you pressing the flesh with constituents. It'll make you look good.
I also imagine a conversation at the Stalter headquarters going something like this:
Billy boy, people are pissed about the pay raise. We need a picture of you for the front page of the website of you looking like a fifth grade science teacher. *FLASH* That'll work. Oh, and can we make the state look slightly askew? Thanks.
This I'll give to Bill: his family is much more attractive and I think that they took the portrait at a bar rather than at Olan Mills. I'm pro-families in bars.

However, Walko has the late Mayor in one of his pictures; I'm pro-late Mayors.

But, in the end Don has more real information on his page and less filler... and it looks less like I designed the site. So the winner for this round is DON WALKO.


I know it's inappropriate to talk about a candidate like this, but Chelsa Wagner is kinda cute in a Rachel Ray kinda way. I'd totally caucus with that, and fortunately for her, Michael Diven doesn't seem to have a webpage.

More in Part 3. ..


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