Monday, March 03, 2008

Barden, Riverlife Reach Impasse on Garage, Goat Raping Room

Officials representing both Don Barden and the Pittsburgh Riverlife Task Force announced that they have yet to reach agreement on several key features of the proposed Northside Casino.

Critics blasted Barden's plans for a 3,800 space garage which would tower over the casino, as well as a here-to-fore unmentioned room to rape goats.

"The proposed garage would completely dominate Pittsburgh's beautiful skyline," said Riverlife Executive Director Lisa Schroeder. "This is totally counter to what the City has tried to do with its river fronts. Plus, he's advocating raping goats."

Joseph Weinert, senior vice president of Spectrum Gaming Group, defended Barden's position.

"What Barden is proposing is completely reasonable according to industry standards. You really need at least one parking space per slot machine and everybody knows you need at least one goat for every fifty machines."

Forest City Enterprises had also planned for over 3,000 parking spaces, but had opted for an Anthrax handling buffet in lieu of a goat raping room. Isle of Capri had about 2,400 spaces planned and a pit of deadly snakes.

Todd George, the casino general manager and vice president, said it's not uncommon for the spaces to fill or reach near capacity at peak times, particularly Friday and Saturday evenings. He does not believe the 3,800 Mr. Barden is planning is unreasonable.

"I think it's always better to have too many than too few, honestly. It's one of those things where going in you want to be successful. The goal is to drive as many people as possible as often as possible. If you have enough parking to satisfy them, that takes one variable out of the equation," he said. "Besides," he added, "every now and then while you're playing the slots, you really need to rape a goat."

Mr. George fended off criticisms that the parking garage and/or the goat rape room should be scaled back or eliminated entirely.

"Look, these features were in the initial plans. We're already well into construction drawings right now. To eliminate either would result in serious delays in getting the casino under operation and delay vital tax relief to residents of Allegheny County."

The City Zoning Board of Adjustments is still reviewing Mr. Barden's proposed "Kathy Lee Sweat Shop", "Chamber of Horrors", and "Kitten Punching Amphitheater". A ruling is due out within 8 months.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

With the obvious exception of Jane Austen's work, this is the best thing ever written about goat rape.