Saturday, March 15, 2008

An Open Letter to Out of State Primary Pundits

Dear Out of State Primary Pundits:

I realize that this is a rare opportunity for you to spend time in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Usually by this time in the Presidential campaign, a nominee is all but selected, and you can spend the next 5 or so months pontificating about which candidate is more "manly" or which is speaking "with his heart" and other such bullshit.

This year, obviously, you are forced to continue onwards from New Hampshire, Iowa, and South Carolina, to backwater Podunks like California, Texas, and (the Horror!), Pennsylvania. It must make you sick to have to spend time in places like Hanover, Erie, or (ugh!) Wilkes-Barre.

Now, as we have another long 6 weeks together, I would like to set a few things straight about our 328 year old Commonwealth.

First, please stop saying that Pennsylvania is "Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in the middle." Yes, it was cute when Gollum James Carville said it, but now it's just old and trite. Try mixing it up a bit. Personally, I've reformulated the description as "One foot on the East Coast, one in the Midwest, and two buttcheeks planted firmly in the South."

That's far more descriptive.

Second, please do not think that you're some sort of "expert" on our Commonwealth just because you've taken an Amtrack Train from New York to DC and just *happened* to cross into Phillie. That doesn't make you an expert on Pennsylvania any more than watching ER or House makes you a surgeon.

Third, do not think that we're going to make this easy on you. Pennsylvania has the old folks of Florida, the crankiness of Iowa, and the bat-shit insanity of Ohio... anybody who's ever been to a Steelers or Eagles game can attest to this. We can, and we will, make this election as difficult for you to predict as possible.

Fourth, for the love of God, please don't think for a moment that Philadelphians and Pittsburghers are anything alike. That mistake will just result in you getting pelted with batteries or yelled at by little old ladies in babushkas. (Each is unpleasant in its own way.)

Fifth, and finally, we gave this country things like religious freedom, steel, oil, coal, Bill Cosby, Gettysburg and, oh yeah, INDEPENDENCE and a FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. Don't come around here strutting around like you're "real Americans". We've been here longer than most of you, so don't try to pull any fucking shit and tell us how we're "supposed" to act. We're the fucking Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and we'll do as we fucking please.

And you're welcome for the Independence and everything, you ungrateful bitches. Now get off our lawns.


The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

P.S. Pittsburgh has an "H" at the end. God help you if I see anyone refer to it as "Pittsburg".

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