Tuesday, September 16, 2008

ADB Guide to Coping with a Transit Strike

As you may or may not have heard, there is an increasingly large chance that the drivers of the Port Authority of Allegheny County may go on strike in the very near future. Other more sober folk can discuss the intricacies of the current union contract or the cost-benefits of public transportation, however, if you are reading this, you probably just want to know how you're going be able to get from your hovel in to your shift as night manager/senior cashier at Subway.

We here at TADB have repeatedly flogged our interns, and have come up with some alternatives to taking Public transit:

(1) Car - Let's face it, if a car was an option for you, you'd probably already be taking it instead of standing cheek to jowl on the bus between that sweaty fat guy in the bad suit and the sixteen year old that won't get off her damned cell phone. If this is not the case, however, I'm sure you'll be excited about your 40 minute 4 mile commute and stuffing a whole mess o' cash into the coffers at David Onorato's Parking Authority. Between that and the cost of fuel, you won't be able to afford to go to work anymore and will be forced to get another job to pay for the first one.

(2) Walking - This is probably the best option for most Pittsburghers who, by definition, haven't left their neighborhood since the Carter administration. I hear there's a woman in Bloomfield who still refuses to acknowledge that there's anything past the Bridge.

(3) Biking - If you are a young, hip urbanite who like careening through parked cars with no regard for things like personal safety and deductables, then biking is probably a pretty good choice. If you happen to live at the top of any number of hills around here and are not in peak physical condition, however, you might want to pack it in and setting up a campsite down in the flats. Trust me, living down by the river in a tent will be much less embarrassing than them finding your doughnut gorged, tiny spandex shorts clad corpse halfway up McArdle roadway.

(4) Telecommuting - If you are very, very lucky and have a white collar, wage slave job, telecommuting might be an option for you. Unfortunately, after a few days of the experience, you will quickly realize that such social niceties such as bathing, shaving, speaking English, or wearing clothes are no longer strict requirements. After a few weeks, you may find that you have no real need for civilization, resulting in a solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short existence... with only a millionaire, his wife, a movie star, a professor, and Mary Anne as your only companions. That, and you'll perpetuate the lie that Day Time television is worth anything more than a bucket of warm spit.

(5) Cannon - I haven't tried this on out yet, but I'm pretty sure with the right wind conditions and with the appropriate caliber gun, anyone can hit the Steel Building. The pain in the ass is the connecting cannon, if your destination is not downtown. Bring your own helmet.

(6) Catapult - See Cannon

(7) Helicopter/Airplane - Should this be an option for you, you probably have more money than sense. I would be perfectly happy with relieving you of this burden.

(8) Falcor - Lucky dragons are not native to this region and are considered impractical.

(9) Lawn Chair Lifted by Weather Balloons - Only viable if you have no particular destination in mind or enjoy being shot down by the U.S. Air Force.

(10) Carpooling - All the charms of a taxi combined with all the joys of being stuck at work with people you don't like.

(11) Hitchhiking - Adds the extra excitement of the possibility of becoming the inspiration for a particularly bloody episode of CSI.

(12) Rickshaw - Region is under served by the Japanese immigrant population necessary to make this possible.

(13) Hanglider - Silly, and possible target for commuters traveling by cannon.
So, there you go. Hopefully one of these suggestions will work for you. If not, you can always live underneath your office desk for the duration of the strike.

I already have my sleeping bag.

1 comment:

MH said...

I'll probably get buy with option #1. However, Pitt is saying it might run its own buses into Squirrel Hill and Shadyside, so I may have that going for me.