The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: McCain Campaign Announces Major Shakeup

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

McCain Campaign Announces Major Shakeup

(Reuters) Norfolk, VA - In a surprise move that supporters are calling "bold" and critics are calling "insane," Senator John McCain has announced, in the waning days of the campaign, that he is replacing his campaign manager with the ShamWow! spokesman.

Speaking in front of a crowd in Sandusky OH with his trademark head microphone and faux-hawk, "Vince" energized those assembled with his testimonial of John McCain.

"John McCain will clean up this economic spill fast. He holds 21 times his weight in water... ya following me camera guy? He'll last for years! He's machine washable and bleachable! He's great for drying pets."

An unnamed high ranking campaign official, speaking off the record, said that McCain was "troubled" by the Obama campaign's 30 minute T.V. infomercial, which garnered over 20 million viewers yesterday. The hiring of a new campaign manager reflects a need to reach out to average voters who are up late watching TV and are gullible.

Infomercial expert Billy Mays says that this move is a super powered epoxy that does it all.

"This new approach is great for home projects big and small. Fill surfaces holes and cracks, instantly seal leaks, repair China, tools and more. Molds to any shape, adheres to most surfaces. No messy mixing needed. Just apply and let dry. Can be painted, sanded or drilled."

John McCain is available for three easy installments of $19.95, but if you order today you get the Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin *FREE*.

Call (703) 418-2008! ORDER NOW!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: This is simply genius. I'm still laughing.; 11:25 PM
Steve Muhlberger said...: Sham-WOW!; 2:47 PM
Sherry Pasquarello said...: golden; 6:29 PM

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

McCain Campaign Announces Major Shakeup

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