The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Introducing ADB+

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Introducing ADB+

We're happy to announce that we here at The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat are launching a new pay version of this site, with exclusive extra content and interactive features.

ADB+ will not replace The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, which will continue to offer the same news, satire and random pictures of local politicians looking like drunken monkeys, as always. Instead, it allows subscribers access to a new stream of exclusive sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody and litotes. Additionally, it will be 100% Cyril Wecht free.

The new, revised site will provide content that will in no way be available elsewhere on the internet, and will automatically explode if copied, pasted, downloaded, embedded, or linked.

The annual membership fee is a bottle of Maker's Mark Bourbon, and monthly memberships are a bottle of Yuengling. For a limited time, those who sign up for an annual membership will receive a free copy of "George Washington Pooped Here: a multimedia, full sensory examination of Pittsburgh Regional Outhouses, Privies, and other Toilets," a DVD by our staff, a $19.95 value.

"ADB+ is a natural extension of our news, entertainment and information resources that the Burghosphere has come to depend on," said The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat Editor-in-Chief "O". "Plus we're going to have porn. Lots of porn."

6 comments:

spork_incident said...: Naw, naw, naw...unless you're gonna offer extra Jack Kelly I ain't interested.

I don't care how much sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody and litotes you offer YOU WON'T NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR!!11!

Unless I get extra Jack Kelly.

Yes.

.; 9:41 PM
O said...: Jack Kelly porn, perhaps?; 10:39 PM
spork_incident said...: Jack Kelly porn, perhaps?

Wait...that's IT!

"[smoky sax music][smokey female voice] Jack Kelly teaches China Millman a thing or two about....eating...Mmmmmm...and David Shribman gets wild and explores international exotica...tonight, on Pee...Gee...Plus Late Night...."

Oh, eww, ick.

(But it would sell)

.; 2:16 AM
Sherry Pasquarello said...: yeah, it would sell.

rather buy your's than theirs! ; ); 10:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Might instill more confidence if you actually got the acronym right in the title. Or is that part of the charm?; 11:28 AM
O said...: Spelling mistakes are par for the course, Anonymous... although this one has been corrected.; 6:32 PM

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Introducing ADB+

6 comments:

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