A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: More Snow

Careful outside today folks. The weather looks like it's going to get pretty bad. So bad, in fact, I hear the Mayor is already on a flight to Miami.

Ravenstahl: "We've Always been at War with Snow"

In a speech in front of City Council today, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the City of Pittsburgh had made significant progress in its war on Snow.

Mr. Ravenstahl's speech comes at the culmination of a "Hate Week", including processions, speeches, shouting, singing, banners, posters, and films decrying the terror of the Snowpocalypse. On a scarlet draped platform in Council chambers, amongst the citizens of Pittsburgh, the Mayor went into a tirade against snow.

"The Snowpocalpse has killed dozens of our fellow citizens, made roads impassible, cut off vital services. It is an enemy to be reckoned with, and we will never submit to the terror of Potholes.

The Mayor, contorted with hatred, gripped the neck of the microphone with one hand while the other, enormous at the end of a bony arm, clawed the air menacingly above his head. His voice, made metallic by the amplifiers, boomed forth an endless catalogue of atrocities that Potholes had committed against the City. Rousing, savage yells came from local school children, in support.

Locals, who attended the event noticed that posters, banners, and films decrying the Snowpocalypse had been hung, which was quickly identified as an obvious attempt at sabotage by friends of Potholes. The banners were immediately torn down in an orgiastic rage by those assembled.

Mr. Ravenstahl, undeterred by the events, continued his rousing speech encouraging the total and utter obliteration of Potholes, concluding "We are at war with Potholes; we have always been at war with Potholes."

Locals who have a distinct memory of being at war with Snow, were rounded up and executed as traitors.

Pittsburgh Fat Man Aspires to Curling Gold

(Reuters) Pittsburgh, PA - Unemployed former accounts receivable clerk Dan Bujokowski is aspiring to Olympic gold.

"You know, I was there watching NBC at 3 in the morning and they were showing highlights from the Team USA's curling match against one of them foreign countries, and one of those players on the US Team is, like, 300 pounds. I thought to myself, as I was noshing on a three day old Twinkie, that I could be an Olympic medalist too."

Mr. Bujokowski is one of many Americans who, because of nearly wall-to-wall coverage of curling in order to fill up airtime, suddenly believe that they have what it takes to be a professional curler.

Originating in Scotland, curling is a team Olympic sport in which stones are slid across a sheet of carefully prepared ice towards a target area.

Steve Buffington, a Director of the Pittsburgh Curling Club, says there's more to curling than being an overweight guy on ice. "Curling involves strategy, balance, good sportsmanship, and the ability to hurl a 42 pound stone down 100 ft ice. While it is accessible to a wide variety of people, it's not a game that just anyone can be an expert in overnight... unless you're willing to buy the first two rounds of beer."

Mr. Bujokowski remains undeterred.

"Michael Phelps eats a 20,000 calorie diet and smokes pot. If he can eats twice as much as me and be an Olympian, well, I think I'm guaranteed at least a bronze medal."

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Watchdogs

Given the news that a whole lot of the City's surplus has kinda gone AWOL, does the Mayor think that it's OK for the local media to look into that story a little bit more, or is he secretly hiding the funds on purpose "just to prove a point that they need to be more responsible"?

Maybe it got arrested at a Steelers game, flew off to New York with Ron Burkle, and hired a lawyer to stop people from asking questions.

An Open Letter to the Inconsiderate Ass Who Hasn't Shoveled His Sidewalk Yet

Dear Inconsiderate Ass Who Hasn't Shoveled His Sidewalk Yet,

I know you're there. I can tell by the way your driveway is cleared out and how your mail gets picked up every day. Your stairs are clear from door to your driveway. I notice these things as I trudge pass your house in the morning and later in the afternoon, dodging traffic on the way to the bus stop.

I know you know I'm there. I know you can tell by the number of footprints that have built up on your sidewalk over the last week, and because I saw you peer from behind your living room curtain windows, as if you were hoping that somehow all the snow had gone away.

Perhaps you have a bad back and you're unable to shovel... but that couldn't be true, as your driveway is clear. Perhaps you've gotten sick and are now unable to go outside... but that couldn't be true either, because, as I said, your driveway is clear. Perhaps you've left town and aren't around to shovel the sidewalk... but again, that couldn't be true as I've seen your pudgy face staring back at me as I struggle past your house.

Look: I'm a reasonable person. I will give you the benefit of the doubt that, for whatever reason, you are unable to shovel those extra 15 ft. Perhaps you think it's the City's job. Perhaps you're trying to track the deer in the neighborhood. Perhaps you have been burying evidence under the snow, and you don't want anyone to discover it.

The more likely story, however, is that you're a lazy, selfish ass who would rather watch people fall down on his property then, you know, do what the City requires of you in these kinds of snow situations.

So, I am taking the liberty of alerting the neighborhood that you have a mental defect that does not allow you to empathize with other human beings and that you need some assistance in shoveling. That's what that hastily written yellow message on your snowy lawn reading "Plow Me Up The Ass" is all about. I'm hoping that someone in the neighborhood will gallantly leap to your rescue.

Not me, however, as I need to drink another five gallons of coffee to send another message to the guy who stole my demarcated, shoveled parking spot.

Yours,

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Another One Bites the Dust

We couldn't find the video of Jim Motznik being chased by Channel 4, but in honor of Matt H anyway...



Five bucks says we haven't heard the last of Matt.

Where's Luke Ravenstahl?

Found Him!

Can you?

Troops Capture Baradur

Mullah Sauron struck down in air strike by Eagles

Isildur brought down in roadside attack

Location of One Ring still unknown

BREAKING NEWS: Luke Ravenstahl Holed up in Snow Fort

ADB has received word that the Mayor, who has not been seen in several days, is reportedly holed up in a snow fort in his brother's Northside backyard. The Mayor, according to sources, has refused to come out until he is plied with hot chocolate and new mittens.

City Council had demanded that the missing Mayor appear on Grant Street to officially validate an Emergency Declaration in light of the ongoing snow debacle. The Mayor's Office has insisted that the Public Safety Director's signature was more than official, and has hinted that the Council was just trying to tease Mr. Ravenstahl out from his hiding place.

Bill Peduto's cries of "Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free!" were also insufficient to locate the Mayor.

A tip, however, has indicated that the Mayor is, in fact, in his brother's backyard, assembling snowballs for what he perceives is "an ambush" from Councilman Doug Sheilds.

The Mayor is living with his brother during a totally non-suspicious public separation from his wife.

Rumors that the Mayor has specifically ordered streets around his brother's house to remain unplowed could not be corroborated.

Last week the mayor took criticism for being in the Laurel Highlands celebrating his birthday, while the city was hit with a near-record snowstorm. He had also previously received criticism for flying with Penguins co-owner Ron Burkle to New York (and subsequently sleeping in the airport), rather than meet with Hill District residents over neighborhood development plans.

More details tomorrow in ADB+

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Snow Budgeting

For those of you that are into this kind of thing, the 2010 City of Pittsburgh budget for road salt is $559,640, down $400,000 from last year.

I wonder how much of that is already spent. Or, alternatively, I wonder if this is part of the reason I haven't seen a damned salt truck on my street yet!

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: XLIII + 6-8 in.

You know, I hadn't really thought about it as I was busy digging myself out from what seemed like a metric ton of snow, but if the Steelers had won the Superbowl this year instead of last, we would have had a massive street party on Sunday and a victory parade sometime this week.

Consider the implications of that random thought for a minute as you shovel your driveway.

Special Weather Commentary from the Caretaker of the Overlook Hotel

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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Local Blogger Unable to Blog his Way Out of Snow

Local Blogger "Fruster" was found today by acquaintances after three days without power, phone service, or internet. He is reported to be in good health, and it resting comfortably after a meal of chinese food and pizza.

"Fruster," whose real name is Ken Rice, had not been heard from by his twitter followers, Facebook fans, or blog commentators for three days during the on-going snow event. According to his Twitter feed, the last thing he "tweeted" was "OK, snow's coming down now."

"I figured I'd be able to blog my way through the storm, giving updates on my cat 'Mittens' and rail against the poor snow plowing on my street," said Mr. Rice from his home futon, "but my phone died at about 1 AM Saturday morning, and the power and phone lines went down shortly thereafter. I was literally trapped in my house, with my own thoughts, unable to share my observation of mindless minutiae with the world."

After several days of waiting and with no communication, his "friends" decided to take action. They found Mr. Rice at his home, curled up under a blanket with an old Smith Corona typewriter, trying to figure out how to hit "send."

"He'll be OK, we think," said blog guest contributor Andrew Davidson, "We took him down to Starbucks for the WiFi, and he'll be back up and posting in no time. Maybe next time [Fruster] should blog himself up a shovel."

An Apology

You know, I'd like to blame the Mayor, or the County Executive, or somebody for the ongoing Snowpocalypse (or Snowmageddon if you prefer), but I have to admit that it's my bad. I didn't realize that this blog had the power to influence the weather.

Sorry 'bout that.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Snow Closings

Please note that this blog is running on a 2 hr delay, with no morning kindergarten.

Readers are advised to slow down and take care when reading posts.

Local Man Actually Does Need "Supplies"

When Scott Cznewski of Mt. Lebanon heard about the incoming winter storm, he didn't immediately rush out to buy toilet paper, milk, and bread. Like the nearly dozens of rational residents in the region, he decided that he can wait out the nearly eight hours of inconvenience. Mr. Cznewski, however, was in for a shock: he was out of toilet paper.

"It didn't hit me until after the fourth Taco Bell burrito. There I was dropping the kids off at the pool, reading a back issue of 'Entertainment Weekly', when I realized I was down to my last two feet of TP. I knew that if I didn't act fast, I would be using old gym socks to 'do clean-up duty,' if you know what I mean."

Mr. Cznewski's troubles, however, were just about to begin. The Giant Eagle on Cochrane Road was already packed with people picking up "essentials" for the coming winter storm. Shoppers loaded their carts with milk, eggs, bread, fruit, diapers, toilet paper, cigarettes, and other miscellaneous sundries necessary to survive 12 inches of snow. Shelves were picked nearly clean, with only such items as "canned bread" and "pickled giblets" available for last minute, panicked shoppers.

One of those panicked shoppers, Elsie Greenblatt said that she literally feared that she and her family would not make it to Monday.

"My children drink about a gallon of milk a week, but I know that as soon as the first flake drops, they're going to drink it all. That's why I'm buying 17 gallons, just in case. Plus my husband Saul really likes those pizza roll things, so I'm buying a palette of them in case we're snowed in until June."

Thousands of people like Ms. Greenblatt had already taken the toilet paper, desperately needed by Mr. Czenewski, leaving him with few options.

Dr. Don Jones, a researcher at Carnegie Mellon University's Center for Weather and Psychology say that this type of hording is an irrational response to media frenzy.

"We believe that we, as a society, are unprepared for these types of events that we completely lose sight of how ridiculous this level of panicking is. Most U.S. homes are well stocked or overly stocked with essentials and, given today's levels of public service, the blizzard that once killed hundreds is now reduced to a slow commute come Monday Morning."

Dr. Jones was unavailable for further comment as he was "down to his last case of turkey gravy."

For Mr. Cznewski, however, there is a happy ending.

"Despite all I had to go through, I did finally get what I needed. I also learned that People Magazine is more soft and absorbent than Teen People."