Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Election DysFUNction

I can't say I really much cared for the primary election season in the Greater Pittsburgh Area. Once the Mayor's race became uncontested, I quickly lost interest in pretty near all of the races. I only started paying attention again when Jeff Koch introduced a resolution in council temporarily renaming the City to "VoteforKoch-burgh," which was probably a violation of some campaign rule somewhere, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Frankly the races only really became exciting in the last few days, but by then I had completely cut myself off from humanity, choosing instead to drink deeply from the River Lethe and a bottle of Jack I found in the back of my liquor cabinet. Never mix Lethe and Tonic, by the way.

Ever a day late and a dollar short, here's my brief take on the winners and losers of yesterday's campaign:

WINNER: Dan Onorato
OK, sure, Dan bested his opponent by like a zillion-bagillion to one, but that's not why he won. Frankly, I would have assumed that Onorato would have gotten closer to 100% of the vote, so in that way, he's almost a loser. But no, Dan was a winner yesterday not because he won, but because his buddies Luke and Mike won. Not to say that the County Executive now has both the Mayor and the Controller by the short and curlies, but he's definitely going to have more opportunity for amicable City-County collaboration than, say, Murphy and Roddey did.

WINNER: Rick Schwartz
Yeah, Rick lost by a Mondale sized margin, but when you're real goal is just to get the ear of the County Executive, you've kinda won (even though you lost).

WINNER: Pittsburgh Literati
The (anticipated) election of Patrick Dowd, PhD to Pittsburgh City Council in November will increase the average educational attainment level of Council from "Some College" to "Associates Degree". Let's be realistic: Council won't be talking about the metaphysical imagery in Marcel Proust's Remembrance of Things Past, but at least it can stop drooling all over itself.

LOSER: The Department of Public Works
If Council loses one more ditch digger, after it loses this last ditch digger, it'll only have one ditch digger left! Who will be left to give our pothole crews free T-Shirts?

LOSER: Jim Ferlo
I don't think that it was any secret that former staff member Jim Fallon was "placed" on the ballot by the self appointed, and officially sanctioned, City-wide nebshit as a favor to Lenny Bodack Sr., the current councilman's father, as a ploy to deflect anti-Bodack votes from Dowd. He would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for that darn meddling Judge Joseph James.

LOSER: Leah Kirkland
Seriously, how unpopular do you have to be to come in third behind a woman that is under indictment? I have to wonder at this point if the Democratic endorsement would have done her any good at all.

LOSER: Kevin Philips Bong
This Slightly-Silly Candidate polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all.

WINNER: Luke Ravenstahl
Sure, his nearest rival was a Pirogi, but Luke will now almost have more City Government experience than half of Council.

So maybe this is a lesson to me: get off yer duppa and make with the posts.

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