Thursday, January 03, 2008

Iowans Agree to "Fuck with America" at Caucuses

(AP) Des Moines, IA - As the Iowan caucuses come to an end, voters across this farming state have reached an unanimous agreement to fuck with America for another four years.

Speaking to caucus delegates in the State Capital, Chet Culver (D) told fellow Iowans to keep with their quadrennial tradition of dicking over the Country:

"They come here, they trample all over our corn, they throw up ridiculous ads on the television and now, I say, it's time to have our revenge. Go to your caucuses! Rally your friends! Tell them 'let's fuck with America!'"

The Iowan caucuses have a long history of jerking the American political establishment around by the short and curlies. In 1976, an obscure Southern Governor captured the hearts of these simple prairie farmers and later went on to become the 39th President of the United States. Four years ago, the front runner Howard Dean was bested in the caucuses by a man who eventually lost to the most unpopular president in history. This year, Iowa has continued this tradition, and voters have agreed to cast their ballots for the candidates that make the absolute least sense.

Candidates appeared calm today during last minute politicking, although several had retooled their messages to match the wave of dickishness.

Barack Obama, the apparent front running, confidently asserted that he was actually in last place and that anything short of absolute failure was a clear sign that the Iowans had chosen him as their candidate.

Mike Huckabee, in a speech in front of the River City 4H club derided rival Mitt Romney's health care plan which, according to Huckabee's campaign, would put thousands of doctors out of work and kill millions of orphans. Huckabee's own plan, he said, would kill half as many orphans.

Hillary Clinton officially changed her name to "Corney McCorn" in an attempt to woo the average Iowan.

Both Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich showed no apparent change in their strategies.

Still, most Iowan voters were unimpressed by the frantic race to the bottom.

"I'm still not sure who I'm going to pull for," said Kent Clarkson, a corn farmer and local ward chair. "I think that I'll pulling towards Dodd, but I've been hearing some good things about a Bowl of Waxed Fruit, which, I think, could put up a hell of a fight."

The Iowan Caucuses are five days ahead of the New Hampshire primary. Voters in that state have already pledged to vote for "whoever pisses off those damned hippies in Vermont."

1 comment:

Sherry said...

i think you've got it!