Monday, April 20, 2009

Thoughts On Tonight's Mayoral Debate

OK, let me start off by saying that I haven't watched the debate yet and that it is on the DVR... that is to say, it is taking up space usually reserved for Inside Edition and Entertainment 'Night. I hope that the Mayoral Candidates and the Hearst-Argyle Corporation can live with the fact that they are depriving me of Lindsay Lohan's most recent goings on.

Considering that there's no BREAKING NEWS about Luke stabbing Dowd or Carmen and drinking their blood for sustenance, I'm going to say that the debate went something like this:

- Luke looked goofy and dropped some ridiculous catch phrase like "Moving forward," making him sound less like a big city Mayor and more like Billy Mays, Oxyclean spokesman.
- Dowd's hair took up 90% of the screen, as he tried to slyly slip in some sort of obscure technical criticism of the current administration, but needlessly slipped into jargon so dense that not even light could escape.
- Carmen took a whack at the other candidates kneecaps with some sort of lead pipe... either metaphorically or for realsies.

Now, as these debates are either mindless recitations of talking points or feigned emotions showing something that resembles leadership, I figure that there were a whole lot of questions that weren't asked, but who's answers would have provided more insights into the candidates.

Par example:
- If stranded on a desert island, which of your opponents would you eat first?

- How exactly does one "get jiggy" with anything? Can you provide examples of things you can not get jiggy with?

- Did you know that today was Hitler's birthday as well as the birthday of Star Trek's George Takei? What does that mean to you?

- Out of the City's 90+ neighborhoods, which one sucks hardest?

- Off the top of your head, what could you say right here and right now to doom your chances of being elected? Extra points for being racist.

- What is the current going rate for an eight ball and a half and half?

- Which of you three is the weakest candidate?

- Locke, Rousseau, Hobbes, or Montesquieu?

- What is the most environmentally conscious thing you've done today?

- Please explain in detail how a split on the valuation between land and building property taxes can encourage neighborhood development.

- Where the hell do you get off? I mean really, you've got some explaining to do.

- If you see the Buddha on the side of the road, do you kill him or not?

- Describe the citric acid cycle in terms of cellular respiration and how it differs from the Calvin cycle?

- If you actually had to get a real job, what would it be? Do you really think you'd be qualified for it?

And finally...

- Rich Lord: Hot or not?
Well, I doubt that anything during the debate was as exciting as those questions... maybe next time they should just take the physical challenge.

Now, back to Lindsay Lohan.


Bram Reichbaum said...

So glad you chimed in ludicrously early.

Locke, Rousseau, Hobbes, or Montesquieu?Actually, Wendy Bell had this terrain covered.

Rich Lord: Hot or not?Generally, the former, but it is a well-established fact that Jeremy Boren of the Tribune-Review is the hottest journalist in Pittsburgh. It's been focused-grouped to death.

O said...

hottest journalist in PittsburghDepends on if "Meteorologist" counts as "journalist". I'm looking at you Dennis Bowman. Rawr!

Sherry said...

; )

Anonymous said...

Jeremy Boren???? you have got to be kidding. So NOT !!! His ramblings, let alone his lack of ethical journalism make him so not sexy.