Your Millenarianism for Today

From the Book of Revelations, Chapter 23:

1 Then the fifth angel blew his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. It was given the key for the passage to the abyss.

2 It opened the passage to the abyss, and smoke came up out of the passage like smoke from a huge furnace. The sun and the air were darkened by the smoke from the passage.

3 And yea did locusts come out of the abyss, and there did they enter the market of the town and bring forth with them all manner of products made with wheat and yeast and water and hops.

4 And then an Angel cried out in a loud voice as an Eagle roars. When he cried out, the seven thunders raised their voices, too.

5 The Angel said unto me, "Behold! Let there be drinks sold in the same building as one may buy meat and cheese and other cereals with small prizes inside.

6 And from the multitude there came a great cry, the likes of which has never been heard by man. They shouted to the Angel "Surely this is the work of the Adversary. The Lord would never allow us to purchase drinks made with wheat and yeast and water and hops, except from distributors in packages of twenty-four or from innkeepers at an inflated price, but even then only in two boxes of six at a time."

7 But the Angel did grin opened the 6th seal. And forth did come all manner of Dogfish Heads, Magic Hats, Railbenders and Troeggs.

8 The the people did wail and rent their garments saying, "Oh look! Now you've done it! The rivers will turn to blood, the moon will turn dark, dogs and cats will live together. You've really fucked it up now, mate."

9 But the Angel went into the market and bought himself a six-pack to go with the frozen pizza and chips he had bought, as he had some friends coming over later that night to watch the game.

10 And someone said, "Do not weep. At least you can't buy wine."

Here endth the lesson.

Amen.