The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: An Open Letter to Winter

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

An Open Letter to Winter

Dear Winter,

What. The. Fuck.

I mean, seriously man, I thought we had a deal: you'd leave me alone for the next six months or so, maybe pop off to visit some friends in Australia or something, and I would spend some time trying to meet other people. But here you are, once again showing up on my doorstep unannounced, screaming at the top of your lungs that you love me and want me back.

You're crushing me and I can't deal with it any longer.

You see, I've met another season. It's filling my life with sun and flowers and little birds, and, frankly that's what I need after six months of your brutal dreariness and icy demeanor. I just can't take any of you dark negativity right now, and I need just a little bit more sunshine and warmth. I don't need any more of your childish drama.

You can take back the snowmen and the ice; I don't really have a use for them right now. I'm keeping the hot cocoa and the sweaters though.

Look, maybe we can still be friends at some point inthe future, but for right now I need you out of my life. I hope you understand and can be happy for me.

And if you don't leave I'm calling the fucking police.

Sincerely,

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: OMG...I am so tired of winter...somewhere the sunshine has to take over. It is good vs evil.; 12:27 AM
Sherry Pasquarello said...: a perfect letter to a perfectly awful season!; 3:06 PM

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Wednesday, April 08, 2009

An Open Letter to Winter

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