The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: An Open Letter to G-20 Protesters

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

An Open Letter to G-20 Protesters

Go home children.

Because of labor protests, our ancestors -- Pittsburgh's ancestors -- got shot by Pinkerton Guards. That's right: shot. Not yelled at by police, not smoke bombs, not pepper spray, not sound cannons, not tear gas: shot. You know what they wanted? It wasn't the end of a world wide capitalist system, just regular working hours. That's it.

Instead, they got shot at.

There was a group of monks that walked across a bridge today.

For peace.

There was a group of protesters that dressed up as world leaders in Steeler uniforms.

For hunger

There was a group of protesters that hung from a bridge yesterday.

For the Earth.

While all spectacles, they harmed no one.

So, you'll have to pardon us if Pittsburgh doesn't have sympathy after you smash our windows and mess up our fair city. We've seen it before; we're not particularly thrilled about what you're doing. Especially, considering we got shot at to allow you to do... whatever it is you think you're doing.

Go home children.

22 comments:

raichlea said...: Beautifully said!; 2:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Amen.; 6:30 AM
Branden said...: ditto; 7:17 AM
Mark Rauterkus said...: Yours seems to be an open letter to the 'mindless protestors.' Right?

Bravo to the bridge hanging protestors who had a message and some style and moxie.

Right?; 8:55 AM
Nick Pinkston said...: What you omitted though was that the laborers of the Homestead strike were armed as well. You can bet the police would've shot protesters yesterday if they showed up armed and belligerent.; 9:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Or that the actual damage was only caused by a limited few?

Maybe if more bureaucrats actually listened to the pleas of the students, you know, the people who will have to deal with your "wise" mistakes, students would not be so radical in expressing their concerns. There's really a large disconnect, and it's there on both sides of the fence, so don't play almighty.

And I doubt your generation was getting shot at either, more like they were dancing in fields with flowers and illegal substances.; 9:57 AM
East Busway Blogger said...: You could not have captured my feelings and so many other Pittsburgher's feelings more accurately.; 9:58 AM
Chazerizer said...: Anonymous -

First - You make a mistake in thinking that because there were only a small number of people that actually caused damage that the people who incited said people should remain blameless - it has long been the case that the first amendment does not apply to yelling "fire" in a crowded theater.

Second - He has no problem with the people who display their opinions in a civil and legal manner. Pay attention.

Third - Lean your history. Kent State, Watts, Newark. While the typical image of the 1960s is one of a hippie love fest, there was a lot of violence attached. And that's one of the big reasons you have sonic pulses and rubber bullets flying at you instead of actual bullets.; 10:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Here, here! You said what I was thinking.; 10:19 AM
O said...: @ Mark: yes. I should have put quotes around "protesters"; 10:23 AM
n'at said...: Precisely how does stout provocation in a residential neighborhood disassemble an unpermitted and "illegal," but otherwise peaceful march, and not elicit confusion, chaos and mayhem?

Perhaps they didn't have the gravitas of Greenpeace, but afford them the opportunity to bend and not break the rules through tacit leadership of the march out of Larryville and into lesser occupied territory.

I guess this is what Steelerstahl and Motznik referred to as "beein delt wit?"; 10:27 AM
Matt said...: I say thee, yea ADB!; 12:38 PM
Anonymous said...: I really do love this and whole-heartedly agree.

I've loved hearing from people, "WE WERE PEACEFULLY ASSEMBLING!" when they were blocking an entire street without a permit and when the police just STATED, "Hey, you can't be here doing this blocking everything" the response was to roll a freaking dumpster at them or start throwing stuff.

Go home, indeed. Please.

- La Katie; 12:40 PM
Anonymous said...: @anonymous "Maybe if more bureaucrats actually listened to the pleas of the students"

Learn to vote and express yourself peacefully. This is America, take your violence elsewhere.; 1:39 PM
Anonymous said...: The people of Pittsburgh have been through enough this year without the Wannabe Radical Git Squad coming to bust glass in the businesses of hard working people. People will lose wages and business from this--it is not an effective way of making a point and it is far from funny. The BigFacelessCorporations are not going to replace the glass in my place. *I* am going to have to replace the glass in my place. I am already close enough to going under. Now I have this to pay for as well. Yeah, I'll board up my place...and then I am sure Starbucks will enjoy the location.

Jackasses. I am sure mommmy and daddy will stop at the BANK to get BAIL money.; 2:53 PM
ErinPatricia said...: Brilliantly said. Thank you.; 5:51 PM
Unknown said...: I was just in Oakland and many innocent bystanders, just young students were just gassed, shot with rubber bullets and arrested for basically standing around and being curious.

I was gassed twice while walking very fast among them.

I tried to tell them that the cops were right behind me popping tear gas canisters but they smiled, oblivious to what was about to happen to them.

There are a bunch of them in jail right now. They were not prepared for what happened tonight.; 2:16 AM
Sherry Pasquarello said...: And I doubt your generation was getting shot at either, more like they were dancing in fields with flowers and illegal substances.-

tell that to the kent state families!; 2:03 PM
Jeremy said...: I can imagine the Massachusetts governor saying the same thing about the protests in Boston in 1775. I mean, what do these ignorant colonists know? Go home and pay your taxes.; 3:21 PM
Jeremy said...: Not getting shot at = free country?

Wow, you have low standards.; 3:23 PM
Cassie said...: THANK YOU!; 4:21 PM
penisvergrößerung said...: That is pretty much what they are, children. Looking for something exiting. People that raise up in all honour but not by damaging things.; 5:47 AM