OK, This Pissed Me Off...

From the P-G:

Pittsburgh's city code has no provision against using streets, sidewalks, parks, parking lots, stairwells and doorways as impromptu bathrooms, so city council today tentatively approved a proposed ordinance that would fill that gap...

The new city code plank would bar urination or defecation in any public place, or on private property without the owner's consent, except in sanitary facilities. The penalty for each violation would be $500.

Apparently, when you gotta go it'll cost you $500. Brings new meaning to the British slang "spend a penny."

But couple problems with this law:

Number one, how would the police know that you had relieved yourself and spilled IC Light on the streets, sidewalks, parks, parking lots, stairwells or doorways.

Number two, according to the wording of the article there are people that are defecating in public WITH the property owner's consent. Apparently, this is not a problem.

Third, come winter how am I going to write my name in the snow? Have I been doing kegel exercises for nothing?

Fourth, if I poop on the sidewalk that's a violation, but I challenge Bruce Krauss that if I poop in the City-County building, it's protected free speech.

Fifth, how will the cops know that I intentionally urinated in public, and didn't just accidentally lose bladder control from laughing at a comedic routine by Carrot Top?

Sixth, are the Pirates going to be punished for leaving a steamer floating on the North Shore this year? 'Cause, you know, they should be.

So, if you want to go take a piss or leave a shit anywhere in public, you better do it while you can.

Soy un Perdedor

If the weather had just cooperated and it had rained a little harder, the City of Pittsburgh could have been spared the ignominy of watching it's beloved Pirates slouch their way to the record breaking seventeenth straight losing season. Alas, it was not to be, and the literally dozens of Pirates fans were disappointed once again.

*heavy sigh*

To give you perspective since the last time the Pirates had a winning season: George Bush was president, the economy was in the crapper, and a new Democratic president was about to unveil an ambitious universal health care proposal.

My how things have changed.

There's only one last, desperate hope for the Pirates now*: becoming ironic.

The Pirates need to become the Pabst Blue Ribbon of Baseball -- the team that people root for because it's anti-establishment to root for. The team that you can look down on other fans and say "I don't buy your baseball snobbery, I'm just here to watch baseball" in the most conspicuous way possible. Like trucker caps and skinny jeans, the Pirates can be uncool enough to be cool. And maybe, if we get enough people to ironically root for the Pirates, even if they do spend the next 17 years sucking harder than an anteater with a vacuum, we won't mind.

'Cause, you know, we were rooting for them before it became cool to root for them.

---
*Well, I mean, outside of firing the owners, management, and trying to develop real talent, instead of selling it off for "players-to-be-named-later. Or even outside of everyone in Pittsburgh pooling their money and buying out the ownership and taking collective ownership like in Green Bay WI.

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 3)

[Part 1 of the G-20 Visitor's Guide is found here and Part 2 is found here.]

Things to Do in Pittsburgh...

* Sports

The City of Pittsburgh is home to two world class professional sports teams and the Pittsburgh Pirates. Levels of devotion to the Six-time Superbowl winning Pittsburgh Steelers is nearly unrivaled in other markets, with fans signing up their children at birth for the wait list for season tickets. Football fandom is taken seriously in Pittsburgh, and visitors are routinely randomly quized about their knowledge of the nickle and dime defenses. Pittsburgh is also home to the current Stanley Cup Holding Pittsburgh Penguins, who are currently building a new arena despite the best efforts of local politicians to help them. Back closer to the Steeler's stadium, is a fabulous baseball stadium, PNC Park, which has sat unused by a major league team since its' construction in the early 2000s, with the exception of one All-Star game.

The University of Pittsburgh also boasts two highly ranked football and basketball programs, both of which have better baseball record than the Pirates.

* Arts and music

The Pittsburgh music scene is dominated by one man -- Donnie Iris. Rumors abound that Donnie Iris rocks so hard, that concert goers regularly leave missing hats, jewelry, and their faces. That's right: Donnie Iris has been known to rock people's faces off. Other, minor acts such as The Clarks, Rusted Root, or the Mellon Jazz Festival are allowed to perform with Donnie's permission.

The Downtown Cultural District is home to terrific live music and other performances attended by people who otherwise wouldn't otherwise dare to set foot in the City.

Other up and coming neighborhood arts districts along Butler Street in Lawrenceville and Penn Avenue in Garfield-Friendship, smell vaguely of patchouli, but are worth a visit if you want to get mugged while watching women with phalluses glued to their foreheads mud wrestle.

Also along Penn Avenue is the Pittsburgh Glass Center, which if you break, you buy.

* Festivals

Pittsburgh holds a number of arts and cultural festivals, including the Three Rivers Arts Festival and Anthro-con.

* Outdoor activities

A particularly enjoyable activity for visitors to Pittsburgh is to stop any one of the denser, more compact neighborhoods and try to move chairs, traffic cones, and other objects from the street outside residences. This must be done quickly as, if the owner of the chair/traffic cone/other object sees you, he or she can either challenge you to fisticuffs or a race through the neighborhood. If you win, you get the right to park your car in the space previously vacated by the chair/traffic cone/other object; if you lose, the owner gets the right to pummel your car with a tire iron.

* Tours

Several walking tours of Downtown and Oakland are available for people that wish to explore the area on foot. A Segway tour is also available for people that wish to look like pretentious douches.

Just Ducky Tours will verbally assault pedestrians with malicious quacking.

Learning in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh is home to two world renowned Universities -- Carnegie Mellon University (formerly Carnegie Tech) and The University of Pittsburgh (formerly Dan Marino's All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Buffet). The Region is also home to several lesser renowned universities and at least one who's graduates barely have the intellectual capacity to drool all over themselves.

Student housing in Oakland has been compared favorably to the slums of Mumbai, while student rents are responsible for 98% of the bail money for slum landlords.

Working in Pittsburgh

Despite it's low unemployment rate compared to the national average, there are no jobs for you in Pittsburgh. So stop asking.

Shopping in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh's popular shopping districts include

- The South Side - Shopping for young, hip urbanites
- Shadyside - Shopping for older, ironically hip urbanites
- Squirrel Hill - Shopping for Jewish, hip urbanites
- Downtown - Shopping for urbanites that need hip replacements

Each of these shopping Districts looks down on the previous.

Also of note is Pittsburgh's Strip District, where on any given day shoppers can find everything from fried fish entrails to cardboard cutouts of Jerome Bettis.

Most of the suburban shopping malls have solved their zombie problem.

Eating in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh cuisine has been honed after many generations of research and testing to a point where it can kill you. By "kill you," we don't mean in a Jack Nicholson/The Shining kind of way, but more a Kathy Bates/Misery way: long, drawn out and filled with painful suffering, and possibly broken legs. Ordering a "Pittsburgh Salad" (complete with chicken, french fries, cheese, and ranch dressing) is akin to running with the bulls in Pamplona with a big red sign on your back saying "Gore Me!".

Polish cuisine, a popular favorite which includes pierogis (potato dumplings in butter and onions), haluski (cabbage in butter and onions), and kielbasa, is thought to have been developed 70 years ago as revenge against the local German population for starting WWII; several Polish chefs in Pittsburgh were indicted on culinary war crimes, before they all dropped dead of massive coronaries. According to local legends, this is why the Allegheny River separates Polish Hill from Deustchtown.

Primanti Brother's sandwiches have gained notoriety as being an "authentic Pittsburgh sandwich" and are served with coleslaw and french fries on white bread. Under no circumstances are patrons permitted to order a sandwich without coleslaw and french fries or on a different type of bread; local health code ordinances have been amended to allow for a small percentage of blood to be spilled in these restaurants over such matters.

If you are in need of a light snack, order the large fries at the "Original Hot Dog Shop" in Oakland. If you are there after 1 AM, stay for the nightly drunk knife fights.

Of particular sacra-liciousness is The Church Brew Works in the imposing former St. John the What-The-Hell-Was-I-Drinking-Last-Night Catholic Church. For those that do not wish to piss off Jesus, please note that the structure has been desanctified, and you're probably going to hell anyway, so drink up.

Pittsburgh neighborhoods are full of local Mom & Pop style restaurants, which will berate you for not visiting or calling more often, tell you to eat because you're all skin and bones, let you know how well your cousin Maury is doing up in Brooklyn, and nag you to get married and make some grandchildren already.

More pedestrian fare can be found in outlying suburban mini-malls, for those that enjoy hot dogs in their macaroni and cheese.

In complete defiance of his own preventative health care proposals, President Barack Obama has expressed a particular affinity to the pancakes at Pamela's in the Strip District. These pancakes will also kill you.

Drinking in Pittsburgh

Drinking in Pittsburgh is a serious past-time. Originally developed during the heyday of the steel industry by researchers at Carnegie Tech, drinking has become integral to the regional "Eds & Meds" economic cluster strategy, by providing binging opportunities for students and drunk driving organ harvesting opportunities for doctors. Visitors to Pittsburgh are legally required to do a shot every time they cross a bridge. Vomit receptacles are available along every wall, gutter, mailbox, or shrubbery in the South Side.

Amateur drunks are recommended to go to the South Side, Oakland, or Shadyside while professional drunks are recommended to go to Homestead, Sheraden, or Carrick. Most bars are now smoke free, so you can concentrate on ruining your liver and brain instead of your lungs and you can be free to enjoy the dank.

Pittsburgh is famous for its beers that are no longer brewed here, including Iron City and Rolling Rock. Visitors are advised that Monongahela River water is an acceptable substitute for both. Tastier beer can be found at the Penn Brewery, which is also closed. There are also several other microbreweries in and around the City, with various degrees of pretentiousness from "hipster douchebag" to "tenured professor".

Pennsylvania operates under arcane liquor control laws that prohibit the selling of alcohol any places convenient or logical. Beer can be purchased by six-packs in bars or by 24-packs in beer distribution stores, as PA State law requires drinkers to be slightly buzzed or passed out, on the floor drunk. Wine and liquor cannot be bought under any circumstances as, according to the liquor control board, this causes the drink to "go bad."

In Pittsburgh, as in nearly all States, the drinking age is 21, unless it's St. Patrick's Day, Oktoberfest, Steelers' Sunday, a wedding, a funeral, or an exceptionally dank bar.

When drinking, a traditional Pittsburgh toast suitable for all occasions is "Fuck Dan Onorato!" and then spitting on the floor.

Hotels and Lodging

Downtown goes to sleep at approximately 6 PM on weekdays, but on weekends it stays up to the wild hour of 7 PM. Unfortunately, during the G-20 conference all of the Downtown Hotels are booked for world leaders, with the exception of the Indian Prime Minister, who is crashing on some dude's couch in Lawrenceville.

The Northshore Riverfront park is available for camping until the police come to kick in your skull.

Staying safe

While Pittsburgh has its share of urban crime, it is generally considered to be one of the safest cities in the United States. Visitors are warned, however, to avoid "Cleveland Browns" regalia and black people.

Coping with Pittsburgh

* Newspapers

Since the introduction of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's "PG+" online news service, there are no longer any newspapers of record in the region. The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review company does publish a bird cage lining product on which one can sometimes make out outlines of crude, primitive (albeit spiteful) facts. In a pinch, the back sections of the Pittsburgh City Paper can be used as porn.

* Hospitals

Pittsburgh is home to world class hospitals and other medical facilities. If you are in need of urgent medical care, please stagger into an office building in Oakland, as there's a greater than 50% chance that it is owned by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center.

More miscellaneous miscellany in part four... maybe... if we get around to it.

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 2)

[Part 1 of the G-20 Visitor's Guide is found here.]

Getting Around...

There's an old saying in Pittsburgh: "You can't get there from here." In other Cities this may be a metaphorical expression, but in Pittsburgh it is true. As a visitor to Pittsburgh, you will look at a map, see two streets that intersect and assume that you can turn onto one from another. Or, you may see two roads that run parallel and assume that you can walk from one to another. Or, you may see a road and assume that you can travel its length. These are all myths perpetuated by the evil people at the Rand-McNally corporation. In fact, Pittsburgh roads may be separated by hundreds of vertical feet, an impassibly steep terrain, stairs, or (in one case) a dragon. Therefore, when a Pittsburgher says "You can't get there from here," please believe them.

However, should you be adventurous and decide to ask for directions anywhere, you will need to be aware of the location of "the Old Isaly's," "the Old Alcoa Building," and "the place in the road that goes right, but straightish, and then right again where the gas station isn't there anymore." It is vitally important that you commit these locations to memory, as they will be regularly referenced by Pittsburghers. If you make a wrong turn and get lost, you will forced to settle wherever you run out of gas. [This is actually how the town of Wilmerding was founded.]

If you are still foolish enough to persist in asking for directions, only ask *one* Pittsburgher, as different permutations in directions rise exponentially with every Pittsburgher you ask; asking three Pittsburghers will yield 27 different directions, each of which will be advertised as "fastest," "best," or "most direct." No matter which route you choose, however, it will be under construction.

GPS will not help you, no matter how hard you cry.

* By public transit

The Port Authority of Allegheny County runs a restaurant income redistribution scheme and occasionally a mass-transit service, consisting of buses, light rail, and funicular railways.

Buses run on a regular schedule, except on weekends, holidays, if there's traffic, if there are too many people waiting to board, if the bus breaks down, or if the driver doesn't feel like it. The exception to this is the 54C route, which has no regular schedule whatsoever.

Light Rail transit is quick, clean, comfortable and gets riders to exactly where they didn't really want to go, unless they didn't really want to go anywhere to begin with.

You can pick up schedules for all bus and trolley routes on the vehicles, except for the schedule for the route you're currently riding.

* Zones: Fare varies depending on the zone you are traveling to/from, your weight, height, mother's blood type, and the current phase of the moon.

o Base fare is $2.00 and may be raised without warning.
o The Free Fare Zone covers the Downtown core, offering free bus and trolley service to those that are too lazy to walk all of five blocks.
o The Downtowner Zone requires a $1.50 fare and is used by exactly no one.

There are two Funicular Railways or "Inclines" that run up the side of Mount Washington to Grandview Avenue and back down to Carson Street. That's it. It'll cost you $2 each way for that. Despite their obvious age, very few people are killed in incline accidents during any given day.

* By taxi

Taxis are a convenient and reliable way of making it through the City, provided you happen to be staying in the Pittsburgh International Airport's Landside Terminal. Unlike in other cities, cabs cannot be hailed. The best way to stop a cab is to throw yourself in front of it. Licensed cab companies can still be called for rides that will never show up.

Please note that there are several unlicensed or "jitney" cab companies that also cannot be hailed.

* By car

You can't get anywhere by car. Seriously. Don't even try. You will fail.

Pittsburgh has a color coded wayfinder "Belt system" that no one uses, with the exception of High School students seeking to collect signs for elaborate scavenger hunts.

Of particular note is the so-called "Pittsburgh Left." At traffic lights, a driver wishing to turn left will do so as soon as the light turns green, regardless of whether another vehicle has the right-of-way. Drivers will indicate their intention of performing a "Pittsburgh Left" by slowly nudging up prior to the light change and slamming on the gas the instant the light changes. Visitors to Pittsburgh are invited to challenge those performing this manoeuvre at their own peril.

Fear not, however: the best and brightest minds in Pittsburgh are working on new and ingenious ways to develop the 10-way intersection in order to stymie any remaining traffic that isn't doing 15 mph through a tunnel.

* By boat

While Pittsburgh has several miles of Riverfront, nobody travels by boat unless they are hauling coal, drunk on Lite Beer, or Bruce Willis.

* By bicycle

Pittsburgh has an extensive network of biking trails, most of which run along the rivers. Unless you are a particularly suicidal biker, you will stick to the trails as roads are generally narrow and filled with gaping, man eating potholes. Cyclists are advised to weave in between traffic, dart out from parked cars suddenly, and stop without warning.

Given Pittsburgh's topography, certain hills have been known to induce cardiac arrest in bikers cycling uphill and sudden face-pavement fusion in bikers going downhill.

Additionally, be aware that Pittsburgh drivers are let off with a warning if they kill a cyclist.

* By trebuchet

There is a working medieval siege engine on the Carnegie Mellon University campus. Those who wish to make a one-way trip by trebuchet are advised to land on someone fat, which shouldn't be hard.

Things to See...

* Museums

Pittsburgh is home to many museums devoted to Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh related areas, including the world renowned Pittsburgh Museum of Pittsburgh Museums.

The Carnegie Museum of Natural History is noted for it's collection of old fossils, which make up the core of the local Democratic Committee. The Andy Warhol Museum contains the world's largest collection of penis drawings (non-animated) by a single artist and a stuffed dog. If you are interested in the colonial era history of Pittsburgh, be sure to visit the Fort Pitt Museum, which currently closed because of ongoing dick wagging in the State Capital.

The Zelienople Historical Society is also open for those who will be unable to cope with the thrills of The Castle Shannon Historical Museum. [Check out the exhibit on the town's founder Arthur Q. Zelienop, who established the settlement as a tax dodge.]

* Architecture

The Architecture in Pittsburgh is eclectic ranging from Georgian through Richardsonian Romanesque to post-modernism. All of the various forms, however, share a common element -- that of being largely torn town. Of particular note is the early 18th century architecture Downtown, which was torn down after the Great Fire of Pittsburgh and they replaced by 19th century rail yards, which also burnt down and was replaced by 20th century skyscrapers and a highway. Architecture buffs should visit the historic Syria Mosque in Oakland which was also torn down to make way for parking lot.

Particularly repugnant pieces of remaining architecture include the University of Pittsburgh's Hillman Library which looks like a furnace filter and Carnegie Mellon University's Scaife Hall which looks like a discarded potato chip. Visitors are asked to kindly ignore the obviously phallic shape of One Mellon Center. Most of the suburb of Robinson Township should be avoided at all costs.

Approximately 70 miles south of Pittsburgh is Frank Lloyd Wright's modernist masterpiece "Fallingwater," which was built on a dare after drinking three bottles of whiskey. This structure is famous for its long cantilevered terraces, as well as smelling like an old dog after it was caught out in the rain. If you visit, be sure to stay for the Amway presentation at the end of the tour, where you will be parted with any remaining money that you did not spend in the Frank Llyod Wright gift shop.

Pittsburgh was the capital of the "insul-brick" industry in the 1920s, then later the aluminum siding industry, then even later the vinyl siding industry. Remnants of these industries can be seen throughout the various residential neighborhoods.

* Parks and outdoors

Despite its reputation as a smokey City, Pittsburgh enjoys hundreds of acres of parks and green spaces that have been underfunded by either shortfalls in local sales tax allocations or the aforementioned mentioned dick wagging at the State Capital. Pittsburgh's four large city parks are excellent places to bike, jog, walk, or play with yourself in front of bikers, joggers and walkers.

At the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela is Point State Park, which is currently under construction and will be for the foreseeable future, at great cost and unimaginable inconvenience. Visitors to the park can still, however, enjoy the smell of urine along the park outskirts.

Oakland's Schenley Park is notable for being the only City Park in the United States created indirectly by statutory rape.

More Places to Go and Things to Do in the next part...

Introducing ADB+

We're happy to announce that we here at The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat are launching a new pay version of this site, with exclusive extra content and interactive features.

ADB+ will not replace The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, which will continue to offer the same news, satire and random pictures of local politicians looking like drunken monkeys, as always. Instead, it allows subscribers access to a new stream of exclusive sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody and litotes.   Additionally, it will be 100% Cyril Wecht free.  

The new, revised site will provide content that will in no way be available elsewhere on the internet, and will automatically explode if copied, pasted, downloaded, embedded, or linked.

The annual membership fee is a bottle of Maker's Mark Bourbon, and monthly memberships are a bottle of Yuengling. For a limited time, those who sign up for an annual membership will receive a free copy of "George Washington Pooped Here: a multimedia, full sensory examination of Pittsburgh Regional Outhouses, Privies, and other Toilets," a DVD by our staff, a $19.95 value.

"ADB+ is a natural extension of our news, entertainment and information resources that the Burghosphere has come to depend on," said The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat Editor-in-Chief "O". "Plus we're going to have porn. Lots of porn."

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 1)

Hello and Welcome to the Official G-20 Pittsburgh Visitor's Guide. We hope that you find this guide useful during your stay here or that you plagiarize large segments of it back in your country of origin.

Overview

Pittsburgh is a city of about 350,000 people in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region of the United States; the population of the metropolitan area is roughly 2.4 million, although only 350,000 of them are actual "Pittsburghers," with the rest being an unclassified subspecies. If you travel outside of the region, you will also find people that refer to themselves as "Pittsburghers" and show some of the same characteristics of "Pittsburghers" but they are not technically "Pittsburghers" -- they are traitors.

The City is situated at the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela rivers, which join to form the Ohio. Of these three, only the Allegheny and Ohio are ever mentioned, because no one can correctly pronounce the word "Monongahela." Best not to even mention the Youghiogheny River.

Pittsburgh has a rich history, a high standard of living, but is reasonably priced. Locals expect the area to be completely ruined by the end of the G-20 conference.

Districts

There are four main districts in Pittsburgh: Northside, Southside, East End, and Downtown. People from Northside, Southside and East End are only allowed to visit Downtown, and not the other districts. Crossing bridges, valleys, and hills within these districts is generally frowned upon. Visitors to Pittsburgh must select a District and may not leave until their visit is complete.

Within these districts, there are 90 official neighborhoods with over 50 additional or sub-neighborhoods which everyone knows about and nobody can easily define. There are also 130 additional municipalities that exist immediately outside (and in one case within) the City proper. These can be safely ignored, for all intents and purposes, unless you need to call the police, get trash picked up, or your house is burning down. New municipalities are always forming in the Region and visitors are invited to form their own local government as a recreational activity.

Understanding Pittsburgh...

* History

The First people to settle in the Pittsburgh Region were the Lenape Native American tribe, who took the wrong exit off a trail and settled at the "Forks of the Ohio."  Their descendants just sort of hung around with nowhere else to go.  The region was later re-discovered by the French and then later re-rediscovered by the British, who decided to build a fort, which was determined to be a non-conforming use and was torn down by the French. The French built a larger fort named for the Governor of New France "Fort Duquesne," although his real first name was "Michel-Ange," which was determined to be a little too French, even for them.

In order to advance his own job security, future American General, Statesman and first-President George Washington started the French and Indian war over the control of this fort. This war was later called the "Seven Years War" in Europe, because of superior marketing ability overseas. The British took control of the Fort Duquesne site, renaming it Fort Pitt, and
began expunging proper French pronunciation from the Region. This is why the towns of "Du Bois" and "Versailles" are pronounced as if you've had a stroke.

At some point, steel happened and it defined the Region; then it stopped, which also defined the Region.

The Steelers won 6 Superbowl championships during this period.  

* People

Native Pittsburghers are referred to as "Yinzers". A native Pittsburgher is one who has lived his/her entire life in Pittsburgh, and can trace lineage back to some sort of smelting industry or George Washington. "Yinzer" is a colloquial term from the Scots-Irish meaning "Pittsburgher." Yinzers speak a language that closely resembles English, if it were spoken through a long tube while drunk and deaf.

A large number of Pittsburghers come from Eastern European stock, but many African-Americans made their way to the City as part of the great black migration in the early part of the last century. Pittsburgh has no other minority groups to speak of, unless you count Hungarians.

Native garb is generally in the form of a Pittsburgh Steeler's jersey, and is appropriate to wear in all formal or casual occasions. The jersey is usually accompanied by a gold towel with black embossed lettering, which is used as a cerimonial greeting to other Pittsburghers.

* Land

Pittsburgh has been called a City of hills and rivers, although this is not true. Geologically speaking, it is a City of *valleys* caused by erosion into the rivers. This is something to consider as you are sliding backwards down a 34% grade in the Beechview neighborhood.

The three rivers in Pittsburgh can be used for recreational purposes or dumping raw sewage. Please note that none of Pittsburgh's Rivers have ever caught fire, a point which you will be repeatedly reminded of if you come from North Eastern Ohio.  

There are 1700 bridges in the City and surrounding county; 1650 of them are under construction currently.

* Tourist Information

Tourists are advised to contact the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors and Convention Bureau, unless you speak one of them foreign languages.

Getting in...

* By plane

Currently the USAirways plane to Pittsburgh is delayed in Newark. Plans for a second plane are part of USAirways' bankruptcy proceedings.

* By bus

Greyhound Buslines serves a new, state of the art homeless and pre-op transsexual hooker population. The architecture of this building is noted for its lack of an electronic billboard.

* By car

You will know that you are approaching Pittsburgh from any direction by the sudden increase in potholes. This is a feature of the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors Bureau to get people to slow down and take in the majesty that is Pittsburgh. Also, it is to help raise rental car tax revenue after you break your axle on the Turnpike.

If you come in from the Southwest or East, you will approach a large, dark tube like structure through a hill. This is called a "tunnel." As fascinating as this "tunnel" may be, please do not slow down.

* By train

Trains are available at the Carnegie Science Center. No luggage.

"Getting Around," "Things to See and Do," and other stuff in the next part...

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Transit Development Plans

Halfway through the last post, I realized that the Port Authority is part of a larger experience to keep me fat.

Looking at the proposed system map, I noticed that a whole lot of routes are probably going to get axed and a whole lot of routes that are going to get moved.

One of the routes that I use got moved in the plan, but strangely it became more convenient -- moving the stop closer to my house instead of being a third of a mile up hill. The new stop is significantly closer and now (strangely for Pittsburgh) a relatively flat route. I find it odd that something PAT is doing is actually making my life easier.

Not that I mind, but that walk up the hill every few mornings a week was really the only exercise I ever got.

I think someone at PAT knows this and wants to keep me docile. Now if they open up a convenience store at the new stop that sells Funyuns and deep fried Twinkies, I'll know it's a conspiracy.

A delicious, delicious conspiracy.

Well, perhaps other folks who have had their routes moved will benefit from running up hill every day in a mad dash to the bus.

PAT Announces New 9000 ALL Line

As part of its new Transit Development Plan, Port Authority CEO Steve Bland today announced at a news conference the creation of the new 9000 ALL line which will service every neighborhood in the City of Pittsburgh.  

After two years of planning, thousands of comments from the public and numerous meetings with community and business groups, Port Authority is ready to share the proposed final draft of its Transit Development Plan, the result of our efforts to service every neighborhood and every street in the City of Pittsburgh

The line will begin in Summer Hill on the Northside, and take a route that wanders through the neighborhood, into Observatory Hill, and then through the remaining 80 neighborhoods, ending in New Homestead, where the bus will turn around and begin the route in reverse. The length of the entire trip is expected to take three days, but will be a one-zone fair.

"Our goal," said Bland, "is to ensure that everyone has access to transit options everywhere in the City."

Some riders groups are protesting that the new 9000 ALL does not service the stairs and paper streets, which dot the City landscape. Bland said that PAT is already working on plans for a 10,000 Up/Down and an i Line, to meet both needs.

PAT is also expected to announce a 10,000,000 ALL Line, which will service every road in the County. That route is expected to take a month from end to end.

More details tomorrow (or not)

A Proposal For Resolving the State Budget Crisis

You know, I'm all about the State Legislature being a "deliberative" body, but if they "deliberate" any longer on the budget, I have a feeling that we're actually going to bore into another dimension and somehow wind up back in time. I also think that the longer they dick around up there, the angrier a lot of folks are going to be knowing that the State can vote pay raises for themselves in a matter of minutes but can't resolve a budget in a few months.

So, this fuckwittery must end.

Here's my solution: Pennsylvania the Game Show -- the chance for State Legislators to win fabulous prizes. I'm suggesting the "Price is Right" model here -- contestants subject themselves to various games. If they win the game, they get their project/bill/line item funded. If they don't, they lose their project/bill/line item.

It's more high stakes than Plinko, that's for sure, but it'll make short order of budget negotiations. Plus, you'd get that yodeling mountain-climber guy on the ruler. That would be awesome.

Or Thunderdome. That would be awesome too... but that should really be reserved for any administrative appointments and confirmations.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Ted Kennedy

(So, if you're one of those folks that doesn't like to joke about the recently deceased, you might want to skip this post. Just saying.)

A few, er, ah, reflections on the death of Ted Kennedy...

Around here, we always like politicians that like their liquor, so we're sad to see Ted go. Although, did anyone back in the 80s even dream that the organ that failed would be his brain and not his liver?

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Does the "Kennedy Curse" apply to diseases that normal people get, or is it reserved for assasins, plane crashes, and trees?

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What's the, er ah, over/under on the emergence of the "Kennedy would have been killed by an Obama Death Panel" meme? I'm guessing two days.

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Is Arnold Shwarzen... Swarsen... Er, ah... Is Maria Shriver's husband the patriarch of the Kennedy clan now?

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We should have Zombie Kennedy fight Zombie Reagan on C-SPAN pay per view.

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Did you, er ah, realize that you were, er ah, reading this post in the voice of Ted Kennedy, or at least, er ah, Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby?