Sunday, March 08, 2009

Zober Begins Work on Volume 5 of Enemies List

Word on Grant Street is that Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober is now starting on Volume Five of his extensive enemies list with the inclusion of all members of the Patrick Dowd for Mayor Facebook Group.

Zober is well known in City circles for remembering both real and perceived slights to both him and the Mayor. The first name on the list is, in fact, Post-Gazette theater critic Christopher Rawson, who gave a less than exemplary critique of Mr. Zober's performance during the Gene Kelly Awards in high school.

Notable names on the list include Bill Peduto, B.J. Leber, Paul Leger, Sala Udin, Franco Harris, the entire neighborhood of Shadyside, the Dutch, Sienna Miller, Les Ludwig, and the 2007 Cricket World Cup.

The maintenance crew in the City Council Building has long complained to the Mayor's Office about the Enemies List, as it's size is apparently causing structural problems on the 5th floor. Ironically, however, for their efforts, the maintenance crew was also placed on the Enemies List, thereby increasing its girth and destabilizing the floor further.

Mr. Zober has been known to spend hours a day scouring local newspapers, magazines, television, blogs, pamphlets, and graffiti in bathroom stalls, looking for any hint of opposition to him or the Mayor. A source who wished not to be named told ADB that she slightly smirked at a joke made at the expense of the mayor and the next day the street in front of her house was torn up for "exploratory work" by the Water and Sewer Authority.

Those that are familiar with the contents of the List say that large portions of it are culled directly from Richard Nixon's famed Enemies List. The inclusion of Allard Kenneth Lowenstein, who died in 1980, seems to confirm this point.

No one knows what Zober intends to do with this list, but late at night staff members are said to have heard maniacal laughter coming from the Chief of Staff's office and cries of "You are dead to me!"

9 comments:

Matt H said...

lol great post

Moe the Dog said...

Nice work, ADB...and Matt, for that lol comment, you may just make the list too.

Matt H said...

Never!

Anonymous said...

Also on the list:
Erin (for not having twins like he told her to).
Kunka (for discussing the actual budget numbers).
Druids.
The guy at Au Bon who used the last of the creamer.
People with one chin.
Pants.
Clowns.

O said...

Clowns.

Shit! I'm with him on the Clowns.

Anonymous said...

Les Ludwig, Earl Jones...Ratukus.

Has makings of really cool Comic Book Heros Movie.

If not them, who will save Pittstropolus?

Monk

Anonymous said...

Fuck. Froze my beer again!

Somebody is messing with freezer's thermostat AGAIN!

Conspiracy, I tell ya !

monk

Anonymous said...

Is Yvonne Zober, Single...is she hot? Available?

Even monks get itch...

Anonymous said...

Bite me. Zober Is dude! Don't punk the monk!

'Analmouse Said'

If he he cooks and cleans...folds laundry...hmmmmm?

monk