Monday, May 04, 2009

Victims 2009 - Part 1

With less than (mumble mumble) days to go before the 2009 Primary Election, we figured we should dust off this old chestnut...

Victim #1: Luke Ravenstahl

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First thing I noticed about Luke's page was that it was gray, with mixtures of grey, and a little smattering of grey gray. It's like winter in Pittsburgh threw up on his web page designer. There's also this happy Web 2.0 theme melding with a hint of funky industrialism thing going on... or maybe that was just a hallucination brought on by the gray.

I also appreciate his the "Getting it Done" theme, which is vaguely reminiscent of Larry the Cable Guy's catch phrase of "Get 'er Done."

Fun Fact: Daniel Lawrence "Larry the Cable Guy" Whitney is originally from Nebraska, but made his comedic start in heart of middle America - West Palm Beach Florida.

I'm not sure what exactly the "it" is in the Mayor's campaign slogan, except that I'm glad it's not "her" "him" or "monkeys"... at least not explicitly.

Luke has chosen to use a cropped photo of the same picture that graces billboards, City webpages, trash collection schedules, and 3-1-1 flyers. At least I'm assuming that it's the same picture. Luke may only have one "Get 'er Done" facial expression as a result of a deal for power made with Satan so long ago.

Fun Fact: The same deal was made by Satan with Clint Eastwood.

You'll notice that there's a large block of missing stuff on the above picture. Well, that's because (and I'll tell a family secret here), I use the NoScript extension with my Firebox web browser. So, for all I know, Luke's trying to infect my computer with porn or ads to reduce my mortgage rate. Shame on you Luke.

The most current news headline "Luke Ravenstahl: A mayor whose work is in progress" isn't exactly inspiring, except when compared to Emile Zola's draft "Attendez un instant, s'il vous plaît" headline for the Dreyfus affair, which was later amended to the punchier "J'accuse!". It almost scans as if the Post-Gazette was reluctant to run with the headline "Luke Ravenstahl: Meh!"

I'm not so big on mini-biographies, so I'll summarize:
* Luke was a kicker and a Business Administration major at W&J college, which means he probably graduated with a .30 BAC.
* He took over his family's political shoppe, and was elected president of City Council because everyone else was an insufferable prick.
* Bob O'Connor died.
* Stuff has happened while he was mayor.
* I have articles of clothing that are older than him.
Fun Fact: No one really wants to be a kicker.

There's an "Issues" page, but it's not really an "Issues" page, it's a "Series of Interrelated Words and Statements" page. At least, he doesn't use the words "synergize" or "proactive" or "paradigm," although the phrase "Mayor is leveraging the stability of these sectors [Education and Medicine] to encourage more growth" makes me want to vomit... or perhaps, following the theme, *learn* about vomiting.

As a side point, if you are trying to say that you're listening to small business owners, don't use a picture that makes it look like you're trying to divide 3,584 by 13 in your head.

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Also, why is it that the "Diversity" page is lacking pictures?

Fun Fact: Luke Ravenstahl knows Black People, trust me.

Anyway, there's a lot of pictures on the "Blog" Page of Luke with one hand in his pocket and another one singing an Alanis Morrisette song.

Actually, if I remember correctly from "Pop Up Videos," keeping one's hands in one's pockets is a sign of a lack of self confidence. This is why I always load my pockets with scorpions before public meetings.

It's not really a blog, though... more a series of photos interspersed with semi-related text.

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Quick note to the page administrator: if you don't have your online contribution stuff together by now, just let it go 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

I also decided to "Take Action," but they caught me and I had to give it back.

Fun Fact: I did not take action.

Overall rating: B+


Anonymous said...

The City's official not-at-all-political Mayor's website is more political than the only-political vote-for-me Get 'er Done website.

On a related note, I think it would be much more effective if the only thing on that website was the sentence "I AM AN INCUMBENT DEMOCRAT - VOTE FOR ME OR PERISH!"

Sherry said...

can anyone vote for the grilled cheese?

Peaks and Gutters said...

"I also appreciate his the "Getting it Done" theme, which is vaguely reminiscent of Larry the Cable Guy's catch phrase of "Get 'er Done.""Vaguely reminiscent?" How about "blatantly co-opted?"