Monday, May 18, 2009

Victims 2009 - Part 3

The problem with campaign silly season for me is that everyone running for office calls you up to find out how many Xs of Ys have been done in their district/city since their last election. In true Montgomery Scot fashion, however, I've managed to reduce the time it takes me to process this information while keeping the declared time it takes me the same.

It's great to be a miracle worker, but, between that, the Pens games and general bloggers-block, I've been a bit behind. Way behind.

Let's correct this:

Victim #3: Carmen Robinson

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The writer Terry Pratchett once wrote, "Five exclamation points [is] the sign of an insane mind." If that is true, Carmen needs to be locked away at Western Psych permanently before she starts pretending her cats are her children, her children are aliens, and aliens have replaced Folgers Crystals with methamphetamines, which is why she needs to kill Darius Rucker of Hootie and Blowfish.

I'm trying to say that from her website it seems that Carmen is a tad bit too excited, about endorsements, about gentrification, about black men, about TIFs, about everything, really. Honestly, if you're at that level all the time, how are we supposed to know when you're really, REALLY, excited unless, say, your head explodes.

However, I'm more worried about Ms. Robinson's posture. Every picture of her is one where she's leaning forward, backwards, sideways. I think that there was even one picture of her in the "Flying Lotus with the Racketball" yoga position, which is incredibly difficult for people born with spines. I would suggest that Ms. Robinson get checked out for scoliosis.

And then, of course, there's a picture of her with the Pope. Well, *a* Pope... an "ex"-Pope, if you will.* And it's not necessarily a picture of her with the ex-Pope, more a picture of a group of people (including her) with the ex-Pope. I don't know what exactly she's trying to convey here... I mean, I have a picture of me with Michael Dukakis, but I'm not going to whip that out unless I'm running for President of the Greek Eyebrow Aficionado Society. Of course, the Mayor's Office may have some sort of struggle with Bishop Zuber, of which I was unaware, which may lead him (or her) to walk barefoot through the snow wearing only a hairshirt in a manner that is only amusing to students of 11th century religio-political history.

(Read a book people! It's the only way you'll get these jokes.)

Anyway, the media page is pretty sparse at this late hour. I would have thought that something, ANYTHING would have happened worth media attention between now and June 26, 2008 when Ravenstahl walked out on (then candidate) Barack Obama. Apparently I was wrong.

I'm not a big fan of the WALL OF TEXT approach to the the Politics 101 page, with the random capitalizations, shouting, and topics, meandering through what, on the surface seems to be some sort of "argument," but basically boils down to talking points with no real substance. Actually, if you included "how a bill becomes a law" I guess that pretty much sums up any Politics 101 class I've ever sat in on.

If I had an ideology page, it would consist of three points: (1) the thorough destruction of the Borough of Mount Oliver, (2) stopping the Mon-Fayette expressway, (3) Free Beer Fridays, (4) elimination of jargon words like "implement," "endeavor," "strategies," "proactive," and "Band-Aid approach," all of which indicate to me that the author is trying to fill a word quota. I can see that Ms. Robinson and I do not see eye-to-eye on this last point, and we would probably come to blows after one of my Free Beer Fridays.

Personally, every time I read one of those jargon words, in my mind I shout "HONNNNNNK!!!" to myself. Most political speeches have a high "HONNNNNNNK!!!" value. Go ahead and try it some time; you may be surprised... or driven insane.

So, in conclusion while Ms. Robinson seems to have a fairly decent site, it is "best viewed with Microsoft Internet Explorer," with is the technological equivalent of "this book is best read in semaphore."

Final score: one thumb up, one thumb down. With an exclamation point!!!!!

* "Ceci n'est pas un Papa"


Paz said...

Oh yes the Walk to Canossa. They just don't make church-state feuds like they used to.

Bram Reichbaum said...

Can't wait for Dok Harris and Kevin Acklin!

O said...

Paz gets three points and is now in the lead going into the lightning round.