New Healthcare Plans would Provide Democrats with Backbones, Balls

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - High ranking Congressional Democrats have apparently agreed to an amendment to the current health care bills that would provide their party leadership with backbones, spines, and balls.

Speaking on behalf of a joint House-Senate caucus, Senate Majority Leader said that a final compromise will allow the Democrats to push through several other pieces of legislation including National Chocolate Month, Reallocation of Monies under Appropriation Act 5 of 2008, and Charlie Sheen Appreciation Day.

"The Democrats may have sacrificed the core of the proposed health care and climate change bills, but with this new bill, we'll be able to pass issues of vital importance including a reduction of timber tariffs from Canadian importance. Spines and balls will be of vital importance. Vital."

The Democrats' negotiation session was nearly derailed when two dozen invited Republicans threatened to shut down the meeting. Republican Minority Leader Eric Cantor said in a written statement that the proposed amendment was "the first step on the road to socialism."

"If Democrats are allowed to have spines, backbones, or balls, they will trample on the rights of all of those in the minority that did not vote for them. Why should a majority of people have the right to rule over a country, just because more people voted for them? ... That's akin to socialism."

Democratic Leadership in the House say that they will take Representative Cantor's comments into consideration, and will probably remove the backbone and balls provisions of the amendment.

The White House spokesman Robert Gibbs did not comment on the ongoing negotiations, except to say that the President supported any bill that advanced the cause of health care reform even if it sets back the cause of health care reform.

No word as to whether the proposed amendment includes "cajones".