Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Breaking News: Canada Descends into Polite, Clean, Civil War

(Reuters) Ottawa Ontario, Canada - At 12:01 this morning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that his minority government was at an impasse with a coalition made up of the NDP, Liberal, and Bloc Quebecois parties, and would be formally ignoring them and the Canadian constitution.

"This is not a step I relish taking," said Harper, "I recognize that the democratic process has strong roots in this Federation, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As such, I am investing myself with full executive, legislative, and judicial powers for the foreseeable future."

Immediately, all streets in and around Parliament Hill were barricaded and Royal Canadian Mounted Police were dispatched to enforce a nighttime curfew, gently encouraging opposition supporters home, if they didn't mind too much. Members were sent out to roundup fugitive independents and minor party leaders, including Green Party Elizabeth May.

Around 12:30 AM, the sounds of opening cans of Labatt Bleu from an unarmed, but drunk Parliamentary militia was heard from across the Ottowa River. The Prime Minister's staff, assuming a counteroffensive by the remaining MPs, immediately evacuated the Prime Minister back to his stronghold of Calgary, Alberta, where they have reestablished the Federal Capital.

Remaining bands of Loyalists held back the MP offensive led by Finance Minister Jim Flaherty until around 3 AM, when the invaders began to play hockey on Parliament Hill. In response, the Conservatives changed their plan to now have Flaherty present a federal budget on January 27, 2009, instead of late February or early March.

Governor General Michaëlle Jean, interrupted a trip to Europe and returned to impose English law on the province of Quebec.

NDP leader Jack Layton and Liberal Party leader Stéphane Dion reportedly barely made it to a Private Corporate Jet and have established what they have termed a "Government-in-Exile" in Binghampton NY.

Speaking on Voice of Canada airwaves: The destiny of the world is here. We, Jack Layton and Stéphane Dion, currently in Binghampton NY, invite the officers and the Canadian loyalists who are located in our Federation's territory or who would come there, with their poutine or without their poutines, we invite the brewers, and the special workers of maple syrup industries who are located in Canada's territory or who would come there, to put themselves in contact with us, eh.

Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe sent a similar message from Burlington Vermont, but in French.

Large streams of refugees have already been reported making their way to up state New York and Michigan for the high unemployment and poor health care system.

An unidentified group calling itself the People's Front of Newfoundland have allegedly captured Minister of Justice Robert Douglas Nicholson. Their leader, who identifies himself as, "Il Newfie" has demanded the release of prisoners taken by the Newfoundland People's Front, who were later determined to be very frightened sheep. The Newfoundland Popular Front released Transport Minister John Baird after realizing that no one really wanted him anyway.

When asked for comment, Michael Chertoff, the United States Secretary of Homeland Security was quoted as saying, "We consider this matter to be an internal matter for Canada and will not get involved at this time."

Leader Harper has offered rebel leaders a chance to comply with his orders stating it is they "that are mistaken aboot a great many things."

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