Bush Pardons Hamburglar, 18 others

(Reuters) Washington DC - President George W. Bush, today pardoned nineteen convicted criminals including notorious McDonaldland felon The Hamburglar.

The Hamburglar was convicted in 1989 of armed robbery of a Salt Lake City Arby's. The arresting officer Big Mac, admitted under oath that he had tampered with evidence, although the prosecution managed to convince a jury that the evidence in question was immaterial to the case. The Hamburglar has maintained that, while he was involved, the real masterminds of the crime were the Happy Meal Gang, who remain at large today.

Since his conviction, The Hamburglar has renounced violence and has converted to Islam. Many Hollywood celebrities including Ed Asner and Mike Farrell have championed The Hamburglar's cause, and petitioned the Department of Justice for a pardon.

Sources inside the White House would not comment on how many more pardons will be issued or who they may not be issued to, although there is much speculation that the President may pardon former Vice Presidential aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Domino Pizza nemesis "The Noid."

The Presidential pardon list is being closely monitored this year in the waning days of the Bush administration. President Bush's father pardoned Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird, who was convicted of possession with intent to distribute and was sentenced to 50 years imprisonment under Kellogg's harsh "Two Scoops" law. President Clinton issued a blanket pardon to Uncle Pennybags who had been found guilty of insider trading, and subsequently had his monopolies on Baltic Avenue and Park Place broken up by the SEC.