Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years Resolutions

Our industrious moles, spies, and assorted whistle blowing, stool pigeons have infiltrated the diaries and email accounts of several prominent local figures, and have sent us their personal, private New Years Resolutions for the up coming... er... new year:

[Pittsburgh Mayor] Luke Ravenstahl - Resolves to find some inexperienced sucker to run against him in May, maybe a fetus.

[County Chief Executive] Dan Onorato - Resolves to do absolutely nothing that would in any way stand in the way of him running for Governor, and to rebury that hooker somewhere other than in his backyard.

[Pittsburgh Councilman] Jim Motznik - Resolves to find a job that is cushier and involves less "brain thinkin'" -- possibly as some sort of magistrate.

[URA Executive Director] Rob Stephany - Will Resolve (tm) the awful Pat Ford smell out of his office.

[Mayoral Chief of Staff] Yarone Zober - Resolves to exceed everyone's expectations.

[KDKA News Reporter] Sonni Abatta - Resolves to stop spitting in co-anchor Stacy Smith's coffee.

[KDKA News Reporter] Stacy Smith - Resolves to stop stealing Jeff Verszyla's coffee.

[Pittsburgh Pirate's General Manager] Neal Huntington - Resolves to find out what this "winning" thing is everyone's talking about.

[Pittsburgh Steeler's Kicker] Jeff Reed - Resolves to bring the creepiness factor down to a seven.

[Casino Owner] Neil Bluhm - Resolves to squeeze every last penny from every pensioner within a three county radius.

And finally,

[Lamar Advertising executive] Jim Vlasach - Given the economic circumstances, resolves to invest less money in Ford.

1 comment:

MH said...

Guy Costa - preserve road life by not spreading any harmful salt on the roads.