The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: New Years Resolutions

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years Resolutions

Our industrious moles, spies, and assorted whistle blowing, stool pigeons have infiltrated the diaries and email accounts of several prominent local figures, and have sent us their personal, private New Years Resolutions for the up coming... er... new year:

[Pittsburgh Mayor] Luke Ravenstahl - Resolves to find some inexperienced sucker to run against him in May, maybe a fetus.

[County Chief Executive] Dan Onorato - Resolves to do absolutely nothing that would in any way stand in the way of him running for Governor, and to rebury that hooker somewhere other than in his backyard.

[Pittsburgh Councilman] Jim Motznik - Resolves to find a job that is cushier and involves less "brain thinkin'" -- possibly as some sort of magistrate.

[URA Executive Director] Rob Stephany - Will Resolve (tm) the awful Pat Ford smell out of his office.

[Mayoral Chief of Staff] Yarone Zober - Resolves to exceed everyone's expectations.

[KDKA News Reporter] Sonni Abatta - Resolves to stop spitting in co-anchor Stacy Smith's coffee.

[KDKA News Reporter] Stacy Smith - Resolves to stop stealing Jeff Verszyla's coffee.

[Pittsburgh Pirate's General Manager] Neal Huntington - Resolves to find out what this "winning" thing is everyone's talking about.

[Pittsburgh Steeler's Kicker] Jeff Reed - Resolves to bring the creepiness factor down to a seven.

[Casino Owner] Neil Bluhm - Resolves to squeeze every last penny from every pensioner within a three county radius.

And finally,

[Lamar Advertising executive] Jim Vlasach - Given the economic circumstances, resolves to invest less money in Ford.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Guy Costa - preserve road life by not spreading any harmful salt on the roads.; 4:25 PM

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Years Resolutions

1 comment:

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