Monday, December 29, 2008

Mayor's Office Reopens After "Santa Incident"

Activity resumed on the 5th floor of the City-County building today after a five day holiday standoff between the Mayor and members of his own staff over the existence of Santa Claus.

According to sources within the Mayor's Office who wish to remain anonymous,* the incident began during a Christmas Eve meeting in which the Mayor's Chief of Staff Yarone Zober casually asked if the Mayor had bought his newborn son anything for Christmas. The Mayor responded puzzled, saying that, like every year, that was Santa Claus's duty, and he would wait until his arrival.

After an awkward exchange, Mr. Zober finally revealed to the Mayor that Santa Claus is, in fact, a fictional creation and that the exchange of gifts was done by others under the guise of a fat man in a red suit that lives at the North Pole surrounded by elves.

The Mayor abruptly ended the meeting, stormed into the conference room in tears, and locked himself in. Staff members tried for several hours on Wednesday to coax him out, but to no avail.

Unbeknown to the rest of his staff at the time, the Mayor had visited over 14 mall Santa Clauses asking them for, among other items, "a chunk of the Obama economic stimulus package, a new Ford Excursion for concerts, and a Nintendo Wii." He also interrogated them as to the definition of "naughty" and "nice." Staff also discovered freshly made holiday cookies on the Mayor's desk and milk in his personal refrigerator.

The standoff continued throughout Christmas, despite impassioned pleas from the Mayor's family and staff.

A breakthrough occurred this morning, however, when a member of the City's Legal department forwarded on a copy of the famous 1897 New York Sun editorial "Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus" to the fifth floor. Mr. Zober was able to convince the Mayor that, while Santa did not exist, per se, the spirit of what he represents was real. The Mayor left the conference room at 3:21 PM, and went home to spend what was left of the holiday with his family.

When asked for comment on his way out of the building, the Mayor responded that, although St. Nick isn't real, "at least the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and my 2009 Budget are."

* Thanks for the tip "Mike"!

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