Monday, December 15, 2008

Dean of Electoral College Resigns Amid Scandal

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - On the day that electors from all 50 States gathered to cast their ballots for President of the United States, the Electoral College was rocked by scandal today as its dean stepped down amid rumors that he improperly awarded a degree to the daughter of a high level Kerry contributor.

Mark Garrison, PhD resigned from his post after the College learned about the school’s approval of a master’s degree for a student who had more than the prescribed amount of independent study and transfer credits in place of regular coursework.

The irregularities surrounding the degree, awarded in 2004, was only brought to the attention of the College administration last Tuesday, said spokesman Ken Lang.

"We always take any issue regarding political integrity very seriously," he said. "This is something where, when we find out something like this, we review it immediately."

A hastily assembled College panel has begun to review the circumstances of this incident. Preliminary reports indicate that the awardee had completed only 22 of 44 credits, although the College transcript had been altered to reflect completion of all 44 credits.

Citing federal privacy laws, the College is not releasing the name of the student who received the 2004 degree, or exactly what type of master's degree the student received.

Dr. Garrison joined the College in 1993 and had been Dean since 2003. He did not return a phone call to his home today.

This is not the first scandal to hit the Electoral College. In 1824, the school was accused of vote rigging by Tennessee Senator Andrew Jackson, although Senator Jackson had been also accused of extreme hazing of incoming freshman as part of his Fraternity Alpha Kappa Alpha.

In 1987 the College suffered an embarrassment when Playboy released a "Women of the EC" issue.

More recently however, however, is the highly publicized doping scandal during its 1999 Men's Basketball championship against the College of Cardinals. Five collegians were expelled in that instance, and three were placed on political probation.

Many in the political community have repeatedly called for the College's dismantlement, citing the above scandals, the low testing scores, and its reputation as a "party school."

No evidence has arisen that suggests that President-Elect Barack Obama had any knowledge of these events, however, National Review Online has opined that the lack of evidence does not mean that there was no crime committed.

Nevertheless, Senator Obama was elected as President today by the College with 365 votes.


Pittsburgh Polemics said...

Love your satire. We at Pittsburgh Polemics are trying a blog format partly inspired by Angry Drunken Bureaucrat. Just wanted to express our fan-dom.

With weeping joy,
Joe, Allie and William

Anonymous said...


weeping joy!

Blog is first rate...


Mark Rauterkus said...

I was a member of the back-up faculty for the Electoral College. But, Bob Barr would have needed to win PA.

Oh well.