Doug Shields Bows Out of Mayor's Race

In a fourteen hour press conference today, Pittsburgh City Council President Doug Shields laid to rest rumors that he would be seeking to challenge the incumbent mayor in the upcoming election.

"A lot of people encouraged me to take a shot at a run at the mayor's office, but after careful review and consideration, my staff and I, with the consultation of many in the community, my district, and elsewhere... Including Jim Czechowski.... Say Hi Jim... you all know Jim, he runs a small deli down in the 31st ward, and he's been hit hard by this economic downturn. And Jim, he says to me 'Councilman, I'm concerned about the state of the street outside my house. It hasn't been fixed in a hell of a long time.'... So, I give a call to Guy Costa... Nice guy, that guy is, if you'll pardon the pun, I mean the whole family's a bunch of really great people. They really know how to treat a fellow good. And that Dom Costa, he's a great guy too... Just the other day Dom and I were talking about off road biking. You wouldn't think that Dom would be a peddle-head, but you'll see him down on the Eliza Furnace trail at least every weekend in the spring and every other weekend in the winter, unless the roads are bad, which they usually have been this winter. I've gotten a whole lot of complaints from my constituents whose roads haven't been plowed at all this year, and I try to be understanding, especially when they can't even get out of the house to get a jug of milk down at the Giant Eagle, but with the city still under Act 47, we've had to cut costs across the board, from salaries to deferred maintenance. And We on council have tried our damndest to work with the ICA and the Act 47 people to get us out of this mess, but it all just keeps coming back to the pension legacy costs, that the Commonwealth just won't help us with. And we've talking with our friends in the legislature, especially Chelsa Wagner and Jim Ferlo. Jim's a hell of a guy, by the way. I remember this one time just before he left Council, him, Joe Edlestein and a young Pat Ford went on a three day hooker and booze bender, or at least they thought it was booze. Turns out it was children's cough suppressant. And we all know that there's been a problem with children's cough suppressant in the schools today. That's why we on Council have been working closely with the Mayor on the Pittsburgh Promise so that every child in the City of Pittsburgh has an opportunity to go to a university. Preferably around here, like Pitt or CMU or even CCAC. Now I know that a lot of people make fun of CCAC, but I took an amateur astronomy class there last year, and boy I can tell you that the things that I learned in that class where just unbelievable. Did you know that Pluto is now classified as one of the minor planets. Not Pluto the Disney character, of course. Pluto was always disturbing for me. I mean, Goofy can talk and wear clothes, but Pluto is stuck in the doghouse. Probably for the best, if you ask me; I don't think that I could handle seeing a six foot anthropomorphic dog walk down the street. We have enough problems in this city with feral cats, coming up onto our porches peeing on everything. Like last year, me and Twanda Carlisle, who is doing quite well, by the way, learning a very valuable trade, I believe. Of course, in the movies, people in prison are always making license plates, which, as I understand it is so that they can catch any dirty phrases that slip out onto the license plate, like A55 ORG, which would be a pretty funny one, I suppose, but not one that you'd want your grandmother to see. Grandmothers and grandfathers are, of course a vital part of our community fabric, and as Council President, I worked with the county to extend the senior exemption to cover, not only seniors but middle aged and youth homeowners. Not young adult homeowners, however, mostly because their creative capital must be harvested in order to increase the tax revenue, not only for the region but for the City as well. It's that kind of spirit of regional cooperation that will really drive the City forward into the next millennium. Not the one we're in, of course, I mean the year 3000 A.D. when, hopefully we get a flying car. They have those things on the Jetsons, along with talking robots and food in pill form, but you don't see ADM working on some sort of grain supplement that you can take with your morning coffee instead of a bowl of Wheaties. That's the Breakfast of Champions you know, not to be confused with book of the same name by the late Kurt Vonnegut..."

[Ed. Note: It continued this way for another 13 hours until the Council President broke into a 30 minute drum solo at which time P-G reporter Rich Lord stabbed him.]