The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: A Treatise on Weather and Public Works Proposals

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Monday, December 08, 2008

A Treatise on Weather and Public Works Proposals

In which the author

"O"

the self titled

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

discuffes the intracacies of the recent

Changing Weather Patterns

in and around the

Pittsburgh Region

and their relationship to the

Physical and Economic Well Being of its Citizenry

Fit the First

WHY THE FUCK HASN'T THE CITY PLOWED MY FUCKING STREET 48 FUCKING HOURS AFTER THE LAST SNOW FALL? EVERY OTHER FUCKING ROAD IN THE CITY SEEMS TO BE PLOWED, EXCEPT FOR THE FOUR BLOCKS IMMEDIATELY ADJACENT TO MY HOUSE. DO THE FOLKS AT PUBLIC WORKS ASSUME THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO TRAVEL BY FUCKING SLED DOG TO WORK?

HEY OBAMA! IF YOU WANT A PUBLIC WORK'S PROJECT THAT'S GOING TO PROVIDE IMMEDIATE ECONOMIC IMPACT, SEND LUKE RAVENSTAHL OUT TO MY HOUSE WITH A SHOVEL. I'LL PAY HIM $5.

Fin.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...: Angry drunk bureaucrat, indeed. Brilliant!; 10:48 AM
Anonymous said...: I'LL PAY HIM $5.

$7 if he brings Bill Clinton to help.

Fair's fair.

.; 11:24 AM
fester said...: cranky --- are you sure Bill Peduto does not live on your street as DPW does not like Hizzoner's enemies...; 6:32 PM
Anonymous said...: I thought the response was excellent the other day.; 8:34 PM
O said...: The Ravenstahl Administration is obviously using my neighborhood as a pilot program for a new solar powered snow removal system (he says as cars skid into his front lawn, crushing his azaleas).; 8:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Apparently, for only one million dollars you can buy a Obama's old Senate seat. That's less than $4 per Pittsburgh resident. If Byrd can pave 1/2 of West Virginia with his seat, I'm sure we could get a federal department of Pittsburgh snow removal.; 12:18 PM
Anonymous said...: I bet we could even get the good road salt (from Williams Sonoma).; 12:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey, that "four block" reference really threw me because that is what I used to cry about, my four blocks. I once had this theory that because Jim Motznik lived about a block away at the time either 1) his old co-workers didn't like him and invoked the four block rule or 2) his machismo kicked in before it was fashionable and he said not to plow his neighborhood. About five years ago I kept a calendar one winter recording the last snowflake of a storm and the first salt truck. What fun!!; 3:12 PM

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Monday, December 08, 2008

A Treatise on Weather and Public Works Proposals

8 comments:

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